One time this homeless man with halloween stickers on his face came into the office he must have found some children’s stickers god knows where…so there were all these spooky ghost and vampire stickers on his head - war paint I suppose - only they were all messed up from his greasy skin so they looked like cat toys or guppies.
The beast man said this to me in a sudden garble and glob:
“GARR GARR MAKIE HOME GAR GRAR”
He meant that he and his kind meant to take this building from the shambling corpsemen that live here and that his people hailed from the sand dunes of homeless-arabia and they were legion. Well listen to this I gave him a look and rubbed my chin and I spread my hands jesus there was nothing to be done about it, let god sort ‘em out I figured...
I had to stop writing this for a moment because Dishes came in wagging his angry black fist trying to get his rent rebate check back WELL GOOD LUCK GETTING IT OUT OF MY CHECKING ACCOUNT DISHES BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE I PUT IT HOPE YOU’RE PREPARED TO CRACK MY PIN NUMBER TO GET YOUR MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT THAT YOU DIDN’T EVEN EARN YOU WOULD WASTE IN ANYWAY BUYING OLD RADIOS THAT DON’T WORK BECAUSE ALL THE ANALOG TOGGLES GET STUCK SINCE ITS FROM CHINA WHERE THEIR GOVERNMENT DOESN’T GIVE PEOPLE CHECKS FOR HAVING A CRUDDY LIFE.
So I give this homeless man a bemused look a very serious look but you can tell that I was amused but trying not to look amused like you’re getting down to business but you can’t help showing how excited you are by the prospects…I don’t know if that’s really what bemused means I don’t have access to a dictionary so can’t confirm???
I truly felt like a god!!! I opened the gates and a wave of stinking homeless came rolling in their cardboard tanks and started lobbing garbage bags filled with foodbank tuna and sacks of pee which exploded upon impact slapping the old men eating breakfast right in their sagging faces. The women watching Opera were hit with the ensuing splash damage even I had to shy away from this carnage and before long the homelessmen had created a V formation in the CROWD of elderly masses spitting their breakfast chunks in disgust and awe. When they were thusly entrenched my mouth became O shaped as the homelessmen were nearly overcome with thrown oatmeal and the angry chairs and the swatting canes so they shielded themselves with their garbage lids and umbrellas and pushed on toward the elevator.
HEAR THAT DISHES ILL BE USING THAT $350 RENT REBATE OF YOURS TO BUY PORN EVEN THOUGH I CAN WATCH IT FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET.
Where they went I cannot say for the longest time they disappeared to the highest floor plotting their next move while the elderly tended to their wounded and tried to block the elevator and stairway with their walkers which was ridiculous even a baby could have knocked those over. I moved among them like the raven, scoffing their crudely constructed defenses but secretly I hoped they would win because in the face of such utter annihilation I had to side with the natives – it was the human in me.
In fact a baby did come and knocked the walker barrier over they fell like dominoes so the residents took the baby and threw it down the shaft I was appalled by their actions.
I DON’T KNOW WHO OWNED THAT BABY THAT FELL DOWN THE SHAFT AND I AM SORRY FOR THE PARENTS WHO LOST THAT CHILD BUT WHAT WERE YOU THINKING LETTING YOUR LITTLE BABIES ROAM NEAR THE DEFENSES??
After ridding themselves of the baby traitor the old men had a truly stupid idea. They took Wheels and turned her chair into a roman war chariot weighed her down with television sets and fashioned these table legs to her wheel axels. They sent her up the elevator but it took them over an hour because they had a hell of a time fitting her in there with all that roman war chariot augmentation. Well after ten minutes she came back said the whole thing got botched up those table leg attachments kept getting caught up on the furniture and made her flip in the air there was talk of napalm but I’d rather not discuss these grisly details lets just say Wheels made it back but sometimes late at night I hear her wheels creaking and see her scuffling around the ragezone clutching her draggin’ caps looking past her shoulder at something incomprehensible to my senses.
They thought to put all their money in the elevator and send it to the top hoping the homelessmen would use it to go buy suits and they could wear them to job interviews which would lead to jobs and then maybe they could pay for rent and start their own little hobo farms, or HobFarms!™. But lo and behold the hobo start-up capital plan failed at the start because the feeble minded puppies forgot they didn’t have a single cent to their name due to the fact that all their money from social security goes straight into my deep pockets and I use it to feed those pet snakes that live in the basement of my house. I used to have those snakes locked up tight in cages but one day I misjudged their power and they escaped so now I must toss food down there every once in a while so they won’t come upstairs when I’m sleeping and catch me unawares. When I die I’ll make sure someone forwards a letter I will write to social security and this is what it will say: DEAR SOCIAL SECURITY THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME TAKE THAT SUPPLIMENTAL INCOME FROM THOSE ELDERLY PEOPLE I USED IT ALL TO FEED THE GROWING FAMILY OF SNAKES IN MY BASEMENT THEEND.
The hour is darkest just before the dawn I told my beautiful warriors trying to establish the esprit de corps I ordered them up the elevator to meet the interlopers head on. Leading them was Frisbee, wearer of bones he frightened me with his fury and his rage. At the top of the building there was a fierce battle but Frisbee formed a dimensional pocket and he cast them into the void. As they were sucked up into that gaping vortex I heard him scream I AM THEFRISBY WEARER OF BONES - SPEAKER OF THE ANCIENT TEXTS - THE BLOOD GOD - YEMETH.
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