My prescious boot'y

I am known by many names in the home…I have been called ‘Overseer’ by many of the nameless who reside here. Others call me ‘The Cambodian Mole Squasher’ or sometimes ‘Squirrelboy‘ and Dishes calls me ‘The Guy Who Stole All My Shaving Cream’ but most importantly around town I am known as the Bootman.

 

I own over a hundred stolen car boot wheel locks that I have obtained through nefarious means and my collection grows everyday. I own more car boots than anyone in the county and that is a fact because I posted it online and NOBODY dared refute my status or claims. I store most of them in the workshed outside the home and I have many locks on the door to keep out the dogs and children from inside my bootshop. There is a homeless boy named Bootsy who I pay to gather up the car boots for me and his methods are so very mysterious but I imagine it has to do with magic and that welding kit he keeps in his plastic backpack (his services are not for sale by the way if you are considering taking that bootsnatcher from me I will call the police and you will go to jail because that is theft).

You will usually find me hard at work in my bootshop crafting beautiful contraptions and devices from the precious metal of the boot. Sometimes I will take several boots paint them black and meld them into bear traps. I carefully set these at the doorway to Frisbee’s basement lair to catch the wolves that come up at night (A note to families: do not send me letters about this I have the area clearly marked and I have closed off the area with some tape and I also set up all the wet floor signs I could find to keep your friends and relatives away from the boot traps)

 

There are noxious fumes that come from the Frisbee lair and I often wonder what he is doing down there. My boss told me I should stop thinking about it and get to work well guess who got a boot on their precious Volvo parked outside…I put a boot lock on all four tires and these are rigged to spray cat food all over the place when you try to disengage them. When my boss called the police to get them off they told it they couldn’t because these were rogue bootlocks aka someone going around town stealing boots off the cars and doing god knows what with them.

My boss is so old and decrepit that it needs a cane to walk around and every time I see its boney claw-hand clutch the door frame I duck under my desk and hide there so it doesn’t see me. For what seems like hours I will crouch in the hollow of my desk as I hear disgusting breathing sounds coming from above me and the clearing of throat and I close my eyes until it shuffles away. I don’t know if my boss is a man or woman because of how it gnashes its ghastly teeth when it speaks to me and it always smells like perfume but there is hair all over the face like the wolfmen. There is a statue of my boss I made in the bootshop built from many pieces of the boots and when I go in there I point my finger and scream my lungs out at it because this is what I want to do in real life (yell at boss monster) but sometimes when I go in there at night I forget about the boss statue in the corner and when I see it I pass out in fear but this is a rare thing.

LISTEN I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT LATER THAT DAY I TOOK ALL THE BOOTS OFF MY BOSS’ CAR AND LEFT A NOTE ON THE WINDSHIELD THAT SAID ‘DEAR MADAM OR SIRS SORRY FOR THE BOOT BUT HEED MY WARNING BE NICE TO YOUR EMPLOYEES AND LET THEM PUT BOOT TRAPS ANYWHERE THEY LIKE BECAUSE IT KEEPS THE WOLVES FROM STEALING ALL THE MEAT IN THE HOUSE. IF YOU REFUSE I WILL PROCEED TO YELL HARD AT THE METAL STATUE I HAVE OF YOU IN MY SHED’ ~ THE BOOTMAN

BUG ATTACK

TODAY THE HOME WAS ATTACKED BY A SCORPION THE SIZE OF A TOY CAR AND AS IT SCUTTLED AROUND EVERYONE WAS SCREAMING AT ME TO TAKE ACTION SO I RAN TO THE KITCHEN AND GRABBED A CANISTER OF MIRACLE WHIP AND STARTED ROLLING LITTLE GLOBS OF IT AND PLACING THEM STRATEGICALLY ON THE CARPET. I TOLD EVERYONE I WAS ‘SCORPIN EGGS’ OUT OF THE WHIP TO CONJURE THE MOTHERLY INSTINCT OUT OF IT SO IT WOULD TRY TO HATCH THE EGGS AND THEN I COULD HOPEFULLY DROWN THE CRITTER WHEN IT WAS DISTRACTED WITH THE REMAINING WHIP

The scorpion was the size of a mailbox or dragon and was shooting scorp-poison everywhere and knocking over the furniture with its scary tail. This was the type of zuper scorb that would run up to the elderly and sting them and their legs would get all numb and make them fall over. In other words imagine trying to make pseudo scorp eggs out of mayonnaise with no less than twenty old people yelling at you that they’ve fallen and can’t get up meanwhile you’re trying to avoid all the scorp-juice pits everywhere and you will have a pretty good idea why it is I hate my job (it also poison scorbed all over my med logs and I got yelled at by MY BOSS because they were all bubbly and gross so I had to throw it all in a fire)

I THINK I KNOW WHAT MADE THAT SUPERSCROB ATTAC it was probably the ‘Haunted Frog Statue I Found in a Garage Sale’ which I put in the living room and it was way too big it took up half the room. Everyday it appeared in a different room and no one knew why it was impossible for anyone to move that thing because it was made out of granite and weighed nearly 250lbs (we weighed it). I wanted to hide it in the attic because it was making everyone nervous and when I pushed it up the stairs and had to get three guys to help me we lost our grip and it fell down the stairs and everyone had to get out of the way of the rotating frog boulder. Or maybe it was ‘Haunted Puss In Boots’ which was that catdoll we had hanging above the entranceway and it would spin fast all the time and if you stood underneath it you would get really really hot and you would always smell something burning. We had to knock it down with a broom like a wasp nest and that’s why there’s still that burned out cat shape in the carpet.

MY NEMESIS

I had to write a report to the state about the ‘Giant Frog Statue Addendum Cursed Catdoll’ because we got a bunch of complaints about this from the old people’s families. I had to write a formal apology which my boss made me rewrite because all I did was send everyone a picture of me with thumbs up squatting next to the frog, and then another picture of me running it over with my truck. I remember the second picture of course because the police made me stop and told me this wasn’t the type of thing I should be doing and a lot of the neighbors were complaining because I was making a huge show about it. Well it was MY truck and MY hauntfrog so when the cops were gone I pushed the statue down the hill and it crashed through two parking meters and a newsstand and it didn’t stop until it was on the other side of the railroad track.

OH BY THE WAY WHEN WILL YOU FAMILIES RECOMPENSATE ME FOR THE LEGAL FEES THAT I AM STILL PAYING ON FOR SAVING YOUR RELATIVES FROM THAT FROGWRAITH? I WILL TAKE YOUR PAYPAL DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THE COST OF THE DAMAGES?? IT LITERALLY ROLLED THROUGH A BRICK BUILDING.

GROW UP

BLESS ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED

I must confess that I have done some horrible things and I am ready to talk about them - I am sorry for what happened during my time with the elderly. I’m doing this so that when I die I will be cleansed in St. Elmo’s Fire I will ascend free of all sin and achieve angel status or maybe even arch-angel status.

1) SORRY ABOUT THE CAKE aka sorry for ‘Medication Surprise Tuesdays’. This was a game where I would throw everyone’s medication in a large bingo cage I had bolted to my desk and I would churn it as fast as I could then dispense the pills at random to the nameless…last person to stay awake wins a piece of cake. I always forgot to make the cake I never had the time so sorry for forgetting to make that cake for all you winners.

2) I saw a waterfall in a magazine once and it looked so serene so I went to home depot and bought a whole cartload of PVC piping and four or five drills. I wanted to drill some holes in the pipes and attach them to the ceiling fans then I would make a hose shoot water up the pipes so that it would come out the holes like a spinning waterfall or perhaps beautiful rain sprinkles 'Add Japanese Water Stones For Effect'. It turned out to be way too much work so I abandoned the project now there’s this whole mess of PVC piping and drills laying in everyone’s room and there’s this layer of dust from when I started drilling into the pipes and it makes everyone cough a lot. So I’m so sorry I never got that waterfall to work right I know you were all looking forward to it.

3) Sorry for not taking the mole problem seriously.

4) I need to apologize for the ‘Moby Dick’ incident this one time a new resident came she was a hugely fat white lady wearing a white bed sheet or maybe it was a table cloth. When she waddled through the doorway I screamed ‘Moby Dick!!’ in her direction and everyone in the room laughed. Then I shouted ‘THAR SHE BLOWS’ or something and everyone laughed even harder. Later that day I asked to borrow a dollar from her to buy a drink from the machine and she gave it to me. A few days ago I realized that I never payed ol’ Moby back so sorry for keeping that fat lady’s whale dollar.

CHAPTER 2 – THE ‘DEAD SPACE’ SEEING EYE CLOWN AND OTHER STORIES

5) Here’s another thing I thought it would be a good idea to hold a fire drill but when I tried to sound the alarm I realized it was broken so I had to improvise. I hired Shoelace the hoboman to run into the building slamming a trashcan lid with a turkey bone in place of the alarm. I started yelling FIRE but nobody really understood what was going on because Shoelace was screaming and running around making a huge racket and these dark lumps were falling out of his pants as he ran around. I soon realized that these were dead animals that he had brought in from the street. The whole thing was getting a little out of hand so I told him to tone it down a bit. This was a fire drill not a Shoelace drill. And if he didn’t cut the crap we would have to start having Shoelace drills in the future because this was getting kind of ridiculous.

I must have made him angry because he got a hold of a lighter and ran around lighting the curtains on fire so I started chasing him around while he hollered and swung his turkybone while the room filled with smoke and everyone was really confused and I was trying to apologize and kept tripping over the dead critters everywhere shouting for everyone to get out before they were consumed by the inferno. I blacked out but thankfully someone found the fire extinguisher and took care of the whole mess.

6) One time I played ‘Dead Space’ the video game and it was so cool that I wanted others to play it so I wasn’t alone in my head. I made it a rule that you weren’t aloud to go to sleep until you completed the game. None of the nameless could do it even though I set them up on the easiest difficulty setting most couldn’t even get past the start-up menu. But this game wasn’t really fair for Patches because he’s blind so I found this clown who was working at a children’s party across the street who was up for a little ‘freelance employment’ which I said I would pay him for but I never did.

Anyway he sat next to Patches while he punched commands into the controller at random while the clown described all the horrible things that were happening on the screen. Patches was getting really upset especially when the game became more and more awful we could tell because of the tears and how he kept trying to give the clown the controller. The clown had really bad breath and I think he was enjoying the whole thing a little too much because he kept honking his horn in Patches’ ear every time he was killed which kept happening over and over again. Anyway I felt so horrible about the whole thing that I threw the clown out and told Patches he could go to sleep even though he hadn’t beaten the game. The worst part of this whole story is that the clown came back at night and chucked a brick through Patches’ window.

SORRY FOR EVERYTHING GUYS I HOPE YOU DON’T MISS ME WHEN I’M SINGIN IN HEAVEN WITH THE ANGELS. HERE’S THE MORAL OF THE STORY DON’T FORCE OLD PEOPLE TO PLAY VIDEOS GAMES AND THEN MAKE IT A RULE THAT THEY CAN’T SLEEP IF THEY DON’T JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK IT SOUNDS FUN. AND IF YOU’RE BRINGING CLOWNS INTO IT YOU SHOULD  STOP BECAUSE THINGS WILL GET WAY TOO COMPLICATED JUST TAKE IT FROM ME 'THE GUY IN HEAVEN'

WALLET

So as you can probably guess by now I needed a new place to put all of my money because keeping it in my pockets and under old peoples pillows isn't good. Once I ran out of pocket and shoe money so I was forced to creep into several rooms in the middle of the night of course to be as unintrusive as possible I dressed in as much black as I could find however I forgot about the automatic lights so the first room I visited thought they were being robbed and caused a scene. After that I just slammed open the door as loud I could to let the dreamers wake up and to let everyone know I was coming and I would simply say, "The pillow. Render unto me your pillow." And then if they looked at me in that old-person I'm not in control of my mind way, I screamed it at them until they gaveme it in fear. Thought to be totally honest, I might have been pretty loud anyway as I had my headphones on and blaring so I couldn't really hear anything so a lot of people may have been crieing for help as i sauntered down the halls with my money pillows. anyway i needed a new place for my money and my good old pal Grisbee (Frisbee and Grapes 'adopted' son) told me about wallets.

And this is the story of how I got a wallet, and how it saved a child's life (almost.)

Well to tell you the truth the wallet story isnt that's great. I went to a few places (SEARS, MACYS, LOWS ET CETERA) but couldnt find anything that was up to my standsards or style. So anyway Grisbee told me he knew a man who sold wallets but it would cost me. I laughed and said "HEH no it won't cost.....me.... ONE RED CENTS!! Gris just looked at me like what? But I quickly said oh nothing child don't concern yourself with these adult themes DONT LOOK IN THERE! look in where? he asked. His answer was a handful of change thrown directly at him.
"Is this even eenough? This is mostly pennies."
I had my headphones on at the time but hadn't yet turned ipod up loud enough to not hear this kid so I just said, "Don't know don't care make it happen." And he asked louder so I yelled like 5 times as loud as I could

"DONT KNOW DONT CARE MAKE IT HAPPEN."

And he just stood there looking at me and I was like seriously? What? And he was like, "THIS IS NOT ENOUGH." So i told him to ask his parents or something, because I didn't know what to tell him that I hadn't already told him six time so I smacked the change out of his hand and said, "count it again, chump."

Anyway here's my new wallet!

(I don't like the dead one.)




and here is why you came to read this: here is how it almost saved a child.

I was walking around the premises one day and one of the homeless children from the woods in the back was wandering around all sorts of confused. I asked him if I could help him, he said you could give me food please sir. So I told him off because his family should still have that wolfs meat from the meat party that I gave to them in the goodness of my heart and we have enough problems with food rations back in the building. So anyway I had a change of heart and I said hold on kid let me look in my wallet

And that's how the wallet almost saved that child, and it would have saved that kid if it had any money in it at all even enough to buy just one dog kibble

THE DAY I SAW HOBOS SUCKED INTO THE VORTEX

One time this homeless man with halloween stickers on his face came into the office he must have found some children’s stickers god knows where…so there were all these spooky ghost and vampire stickers on his head - war paint I suppose - only they were all messed up from his greasy skin so they looked like cat toys or guppies.

The beast man said this to me in a sudden garble and glob:

“GARR GARR MAKIE HOME GAR GRAR”

He meant that he and his kind meant to take this building from the shambling corpsemen that live here and that his people hailed from the sand dunes of homeless-arabia and they were legion. Well listen to this I gave him a look and rubbed my chin and I spread my hands jesus there was nothing to be done about it, let god sort ‘em out I figured...

I had to stop writing this for a moment because Dishes came in wagging his angry black fist trying to get his rent rebate check back WELL GOOD LUCK GETTING IT OUT OF MY CHECKING ACCOUNT DISHES BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE I PUT IT HOPE YOU’RE PREPARED TO CRACK MY PIN NUMBER TO GET YOUR MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT THAT YOU DIDN’T EVEN EARN YOU WOULD WASTE IN ANYWAY BUYING OLD RADIOS THAT DON’T WORK BECAUSE ALL THE ANALOG TOGGLES GET STUCK SINCE ITS FROM CHINA WHERE THEIR GOVERNMENT DOESN’T GIVE PEOPLE CHECKS FOR HAVING A CRUDDY LIFE.

So I give this homeless man a bemused look a very serious look but you can tell that I was amused but trying not to look amused like you’re getting down to business but you can’t help showing how excited you are by the prospects…I don’t know if that’s really what bemused means I don’t have access to a dictionary so can’t confirm???

I truly felt like a god!!! I opened the gates and a wave of stinking homeless came rolling in their cardboard tanks and started lobbing garbage bags filled with foodbank tuna and sacks of pee which exploded upon impact slapping the old men eating breakfast right in their sagging faces. The women watching Opera were hit with the ensuing splash damage even I had to shy away from this carnage and before long the homelessmen had created a V formation in the CROWD of elderly masses spitting their breakfast chunks in disgust and awe. When they were thusly entrenched my mouth became O shaped as the homelessmen were nearly overcome with thrown oatmeal and the angry chairs and the swatting canes so they shielded themselves with their garbage lids and umbrellas and pushed on toward the elevator.

HEAR THAT DISHES ILL BE USING THAT $350 RENT REBATE OF YOURS TO BUY PORN EVEN THOUGH I CAN WATCH IT FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET.

Where they went I cannot say for the longest time they disappeared to the highest floor plotting their next move while the elderly tended to their wounded and tried to block the elevator and stairway with their walkers which was ridiculous even a baby could have knocked those over. I moved among them like the raven, scoffing their crudely constructed defenses but secretly I hoped they would win because in the face of such utter annihilation I had to side with the natives – it was the human in me.

In fact a baby did come and knocked the walker barrier over they fell like dominoes so the residents took the baby and threw it down the shaft I was appalled by their actions.

I DON’T KNOW WHO OWNED THAT BABY THAT FELL DOWN THE SHAFT AND I AM SORRY FOR THE PARENTS WHO LOST THAT CHILD BUT WHAT WERE YOU THINKING LETTING YOUR LITTLE BABIES ROAM NEAR THE DEFENSES??

After ridding themselves of the baby traitor the old men had a truly stupid idea. They took Wheels and turned her chair into a roman war chariot weighed her down with television sets and fashioned these table legs to her wheel axels. They sent her up the elevator but it took them over an hour because they had a hell of a time fitting her in there with all that roman war chariot augmentation. Well after ten minutes she came back said the whole thing got botched up those table leg attachments kept getting caught up on the furniture and made her flip in the air there was talk of napalm but I’d rather not discuss these grisly details lets just say Wheels made it back but sometimes late at night I hear her wheels creaking and see her scuffling around the ragezone clutching her draggin’ caps looking past her shoulder at something incomprehensible to my senses.

They thought to put all their money in the elevator and send it to the top hoping the homelessmen would use it to go buy suits and they could wear them to job interviews which would lead to jobs and then maybe they could pay for rent and start their own little hobo farms, or HobFarms!™. But lo and behold the hobo start-up capital plan failed at the start because the feeble minded puppies forgot they didn’t have a single cent to their name due to the fact that all their money from social security goes straight into my deep pockets and I use it to feed those pet snakes that live in the basement of my house. I used to have those snakes locked up tight in cages but one day I misjudged their power and they escaped so now I must toss food down there every once in a while so they won’t come upstairs when I’m sleeping and catch me unawares. When I die I’ll make sure someone forwards a letter I will write to social security and this is what it will say: DEAR SOCIAL SECURITY THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME TAKE THAT SUPPLIMENTAL INCOME FROM THOSE ELDERLY PEOPLE I USED IT ALL TO FEED THE GROWING FAMILY OF SNAKES IN MY BASEMENT THEEND.

The hour is darkest just before the dawn I told my beautiful warriors trying to establish the esprit de corps I ordered them up the elevator to meet the interlopers head on. Leading them was Frisbee, wearer of bones he frightened me with his fury and his rage. At the top of the building there was a fierce battle but Frisbee formed a dimensional pocket and he cast them into the void. As they were sucked up into that gaping vortex I heard him scream I AM THEFRISBY WEARER OF BONES - SPEAKER OF THE ANCIENT TEXTS - THE BLOOD GOD - YEMETH.

NEAT MEAT PARTY

've been having dreams. Scary dreams, apocalyptic dreams. In these dreams I see the end. Every day, Frisbee warns of the coming darkness. He tells me to prepare, and make peace with the ones I love. Well I would do that Frisbee if MY BOSS didn't make me do this dumb crap for the nameless. So the nameless have been whining about meat lately, nameley how they don't get enough of it I ask them what are you, animals? Feral wolves who thirst for blood and flesh and all you want to do is howl at the full harvest moon? But Frisbee cries and moans and I wonder how can I trust the prophecies of this man when he cries like a child at the mention of wolves.

I asked him once hey frisbee what did the wolves do to you did they kill your mother and raise you as their own HA! And he stared, but not quite at me but through me, for miles and he sat there with this thousand mile stare on his face for several hours. Whatever demons he had to fight because of my statements I do not know but I am not sorry for we all have our demons. Mines MY BOSS and the stupid meat party it (my boss, it makes me feel better when I refer to my boss as it instead of an actual human being) wants me to throw.

my boss wants me to throw a party because the nameless are dis satisfied with their meat rations as I have already told you. Well I figured lets give em what they really want and wanted to incorporate them into the biggest party of the century the meat party and everyone is invited!!!!

Well I did invite everyone and boy that was a mistake because there are a lot of people of ill repute who would love nothing more than to take all of your meat for free well sorry folks but this isnt charity and youre paying for this meat one way or another. do they think meat is cheap or that keeping it ice cold is cheap because it's not and its not like im rolling in money.

And its for that very reason this meat wasnt ice cold and in fact we got quite a few people sick because of it or should i say a few people got sick because of their own failings. look folks this is a party and partys arent any fun without some risk and just being here is a risk because these people might steal your very youth from your bones so im sorry but youre gonna have to deal with the consequences this time because you danced with the meat and the meat won this happens all of the time just get up and try again as i always have.

So everyone is having a GREAT time; most people arent even sick until a few days later so everyones just eatin their meat and DJ AM (god rest your soul sorry about the meat) is playin all their favorite music. Well he starts to play Ride of the Valkyries on accident and one of our younger gentlemen starts screaming about hanoi hannah and how he gots his medals and she was wrong? or something and hits the floor and my god just stop nam is over i dont care how young you were just eat your meat guy.

So that man was sedated I do not know his name I dont care to know it for I have no respect for someone who would try to ruin my parties like that.

So anyways the party was a hit and everyone was so happy and I made a pretty penny on the side because I was given a lot of money to make this happen and I did it for a very low price for I am a shrewd business man well anyway the police came and asked us if this meat was legal meat? I said oh mr lawman comes and tries to make meat illegal too why didnt you just tax it so only the rich could eat meat oh you already have and started waving my hands around in the air yelling CAPITALISM IN ACTION FOLKS!

And the one officer thretaened to taze me so I calmed down a bit and listened to his wild claims. I told him my meat was perfectly leagal meat and he could try some himself but he said no because of the flies well I said all of the people here didnt seem to care about the flies because they ate it like a pack of ferals. Feral what he said? Are there feral animals on these premises he asked too.

There might be feral wolves I said jokingly but his sense of humour was a little bit off because he did NOT laugh at that. "Son where did you aquire this meat from?"

From the meat man was my obvious answer and it was true. Who is the meat man he asked? And I tolkd him the terrible truth.

So as part of my parole I need to put this stuff online so people can make an informed decision as to whether to come to my future meat parties (there wont be any since the police need to be there as well as representatives of the FDA).

K FOLKS ITS HARD FOR ME TO SAY THIS IM ONLY A MAN AND ALL MEN MAKE MISTAKES.
Well the meat was cheap poor quality nearly rotten meat and the meat was also wolfs meat.

To frisbess family memebers I dont think he will ever be the same I am so sorry.

SO, FALLOUT GHOULS?

So I was playing Fallout the other day during lunch time (big mistake and i wont ever make that mistake again) and anyway I was inside some cavve or something and it reminded me of a few things here I know I sometimes talk about zombies rising up and whatnot but we all know thats probably not going to happen (I'm a sceitnists too, and a true scientsit doesn't deal in absolutes!) but I'm also a business man and so anyway this gave me a very good money making idea.

Now, I've been called a great many things thanks to wheels untimely death. Well let me tell you ladies and gents, I did not kill that woman. She understood the risks, and I pray that her family knew the risks as well because if you don't understand the risks well you need to check your facts I'm sorry. So that said this is also a very risky endeavor however it may be illegal but only in the letter of the law, not the spirit of the laws.

So everyone says I killed Wheels by telling her zombies were coming for her eternal soul and were gonna take her hubcaps and other sundry possessions from her. Well I'm not going to debate that we all form our own opinions and youre entitled to your opionons that are so wrong i find it impressive but its your oponion none the less but i digres. Anyway I am going to tell the nameless here that there IS an imminent zombie attack and that I need the funds to stop the ghouls from destroying this place.

I think that if I make it convincing I will be rolling in the money but even better when family comes I can tell the nameless that they are ghouls in disguise and so the elderly will come to trust me and loathe their families.

(I imagine the nameless will see their family members in a fashion strikingly similar to this ghoul)

WROTE THIS ONE AFTER THE ONE BELOW IT SO READ THAT ONE FIRST ITS IMPORTANT

SO wheels aint dead well frisbee doesnt think she is and neither do i. I was cleaning up the ragezone after dishes knocked out old man yams last night and I hear digging sounds. So i go outside to look and what do I see? Wheels chair sitting in the middle of the grounds. I could very vageuly make out her tiny frame and was unsure at first who it was I was looking at. I yelled WHEELS IS THAT YOU? And a deep manly voice responded with yes so I let the phantom wheels pass me on by. She put a curse on that chair so Im not getting in the way but here is how I knew it was her so that when people ask me they can just read this instead:

It had those little christmas tree lights on the back of it; the ones that burned Wheels several times but we werent allowed to take them off because it reminded the residents of christmas. We tried to do that one time exactly, and we near had a massacre on our hands it's amazing anyone lived to tell that tale. God rest the souls of the fallen in the great March Christmas Tree Light Fire Riots (i tried to save you jenks, i really did please stop haunting my children!!!)

It had that flashlight in the middle that pointed straight up; the one that wheels used to pretend she was driving it with even though she was mostly just sitting in the middle of a room or staircase to this day i dont know how she got into that staircase or the elevator shaft but thank god we found her in time. she also used this to tell spooky stories as it would always shine on her face at all times as per Grapes' request.

finally it was dragging wheels' signature "draggin' caps" hubcap the one that said HOT BITCH in fake diamonds. I dont know how she got hold of this but I cant say I miss the sound of it grinding on the floors or the scuffmarks, and I never had the heart to ask her where was the other one? she always used plural when referring to this thing (it was her prized possession i think) but there was only one and it was somehow dragging by a piece of a chain link fence but i never asked her about it i wish I did now.

Anyway I dont know where wheels was going and i dont know if i want to know but what i do know is someone must be in grave danger for wheels to go driving down the street like that.

later frisbee told me that the ancient texts (the anxient texts are just scribbles on the floor and every time he scribbles i need to wash it away and every time he screams and cries as if i have just taken his newborn babby and fed it to the wolves but i always tell him theres no wolves here) anyway he said the ancient texts say that this means 2012 coming and we need to prepare. I trust him as far as I can throw him (4 feet) and with good reason but hes never wrong he even was right about how last weeks ragezone would turn into a bloodbath SO BE CAREFUL OUT THERE OK?

A memory flood tsunami (bad taste? sorry)

I remember my most fondest eldery. He was a proud old (very very old) man. He had fought in the great war and he said he killed thirteen krauts. I believed him because there was one time when the homless man was running through the halls screaming about ghosts and this elderly old aged man comes and hits him with his dinner plate. well homeless man gobbled that food right up ill tell you that right now; I aint never seen a homeless man eat so fast in all my years. he ate so fast he began to choke i thought he was going to die have you ever watched a man die i have. well i thought i was going to because the homelss guy was choking up a STORM and then the olds we thought were dead began to moan since they didnt like the commotion and. I kind of sat there thinking how I might have a zombie attack on my hands and I was poorly prepared for a zombie attack and held onto my mop a little closer as I shuffled behind wheels (a nice old lady).

Well the kraut killer started yelling something and flailing his arms around like a madman turns out he was sayin "ONLY DEAD KRAUTS!" I think he meant to say something else but this man didnt exactly have all of his faculties if you know what I mean? It was actually pretty frightening. I told wheels to not worry though since there wont be any zobies (I told her earlier there might be zombies and gave her a mop) but she was dead because of the fear of the possibilities I guess. In hindsight (20/20) it was all pretty ridiculous but at the time I was scared and when you get scared a man starts to think weird thoughts and some men die. But I guess thats why they call it the circle of life!!!!!!!


MISS YA WHEELS!!!!!!!!!

I REMEMBER MY FIRST DAY

MY JOB IS SODUMB it’s because there are lots of sad things and tears and robot peoppl and you’ll feel bad for me because I don’t like my job and in fact I am not safe here…usually but I don’t get paid enough to deal with any of it, that’s the only certainty.

My first day in the nursing home ohhhh it was so long ago but I remember these crisp memories I came in and met the staff  who worked there and I was confused at first because they kept throwing jars of pickles at all the nameless. But one of the nice women who worked there her name was Bethany she took me by the hand and she told me that the old creatures kept asking for snacks to eat because they usually forget to feed them over the weekend. Well I don’t think they wanted pickles but that’s what they got thrown at them, only sometimes they would toss it real slow like a football and laugh when the old women would try to snatch it in the air only to have it fumble through their wrinkled fingers and it would smash on the ground and no one would clean it up for an hour.

I remember something else about the pickles one time this old Italian man I call ‘Grapefruit’ started stealing febreze bottles from the utility closet and filling them with the leftover pickle juice and started spraying it everywhere. Only the entire building usually smelled like pickles anyway so no one noticed, except when they found loads of empty febreze bottles in Grapefruit’s room, so they actually got more pissed that he stole the febreze and also someone found him dumping the febreze liquid or whatever out his window on the little children who were selling cookies outside, so they made him go out there and apologize to them only he kept screaming at them in rushed Italian and they had dumped all their cookies in shock and Grapefruit snarfed them all up off the concrete like a bug. Anyway if I were those kids I'd be super pissed at the elderly the rest of my life and I would never get a job working here, that's for sure.

If you are wondering why I give all the elderly names I’ll tell you: it’s not because I care about confidentiality or their privacy it’s because I honestly don’t know them and if you think I ought to know them after working here twenty odd years here, if you think I ought to start learning them then you have missed your mark by quite a large margin, and that is why I also sometimes refer to them as the nameless.

Also on my first day I remember we all got a laugh when we told this old black man I call ‘Dishes’ the elevator was haunted. He lived on the top floor because he always troubled the staff so much they told me. He demanded to know how he was supposed to figure out how to get down there to play bingo or whatever, what with the stairs being in such utter disrepair. He meant that the stairs were slippery and unsafe because we sold all the handrails to buy more pickles and junk, and also he was in a wheelchair. Anyway the elevator wasn’t really haunted, we pay a homeless man some money to go in there at night and ride it up and down and bang on it real loud until he gets tired. But Dishes didn’t know that so he thought he’d take his chances with the stairs OH WHAT A MISTAKE THAT WAS.

On the video we saw him sitting at the top of the stairs the entire morning, and I remember watching the video because we were all hushed in the room and no one wanted to breathe or move or say anything. It was like we were playing God and everyone knew it. Well Dishes roared down the steps and every time I remember this I think of piano music playing and him falling out of his chair down the stairs in slow motion with his hands over his head and all his body fat jiggling like in 300 in all the cool fight scenes where everything is superslow only sometimes it’s not piano music playing in my head there’s just lots of drums pounding I TELL YOU PIANO MUSIC OR DRUMS IT IS STILL THE IMAGE I REST MY WEARY HEAD TO REST AT NIGHT AFTER A HARD DAYS WORK anyway he hit the floor and the chair rolled over him and he started screaming OBAMACARE!!! and shaking his angry black fist which in context makes sense because we told him it was Obama who took the handrails away and if he wanted them back he would have to go to Russia or something.  

I STILL PAY THAT HOMELESS MAN EVERY NIGHT TO GO IN THAT ELEVATOR HIS NAME IS JEFFERSON AND DON’T THINK THIS IS HIS ONLY JOB WE PAY HIM HERE TO DO.

K look folks

k people I dont know what this works but I need to be quick because my BOSS is watching me now so this is a TEST!!!!!!!!