BUG ATTACK

TODAY THE HOME WAS ATTACKED BY A SCORPION THE SIZE OF A TOY CAR AND AS IT SCUTTLED AROUND EVERYONE WAS SCREAMING AT ME TO TAKE ACTION SO I RAN TO THE KITCHEN AND GRABBED A CANISTER OF MIRACLE WHIP AND STARTED ROLLING LITTLE GLOBS OF IT AND PLACING THEM STRATEGICALLY ON THE CARPET. I TOLD EVERYONE I WAS ‘SCORPIN EGGS’ OUT OF THE WHIP TO CONJURE THE MOTHERLY INSTINCT OUT OF IT SO IT WOULD TRY TO HATCH THE EGGS AND THEN I COULD HOPEFULLY DROWN THE CRITTER WHEN IT WAS DISTRACTED WITH THE REMAINING WHIP

The scorpion was the size of a mailbox or dragon and was shooting scorp-poison everywhere and knocking over the furniture with its scary tail. This was the type of zuper scorb that would run up to the elderly and sting them and their legs would get all numb and make them fall over. In other words imagine trying to make pseudo scorp eggs out of mayonnaise with no less than twenty old people yelling at you that they’ve fallen and can’t get up meanwhile you’re trying to avoid all the scorp-juice pits everywhere and you will have a pretty good idea why it is I hate my job (it also poison scorbed all over my med logs and I got yelled at by MY BOSS because they were all bubbly and gross so I had to throw it all in a fire)

I THINK I KNOW WHAT MADE THAT SUPERSCROB ATTAC it was probably the ‘Haunted Frog Statue I Found in a Garage Sale’ which I put in the living room and it was way too big it took up half the room. Everyday it appeared in a different room and no one knew why it was impossible for anyone to move that thing because it was made out of granite and weighed nearly 250lbs (we weighed it). I wanted to hide it in the attic because it was making everyone nervous and when I pushed it up the stairs and had to get three guys to help me we lost our grip and it fell down the stairs and everyone had to get out of the way of the rotating frog boulder. Or maybe it was ‘Haunted Puss In Boots’ which was that catdoll we had hanging above the entranceway and it would spin fast all the time and if you stood underneath it you would get really really hot and you would always smell something burning. We had to knock it down with a broom like a wasp nest and that’s why there’s still that burned out cat shape in the carpet.

MY NEMESIS

I had to write a report to the state about the ‘Giant Frog Statue Addendum Cursed Catdoll’ because we got a bunch of complaints about this from the old people’s families. I had to write a formal apology which my boss made me rewrite because all I did was send everyone a picture of me with thumbs up squatting next to the frog, and then another picture of me running it over with my truck. I remember the second picture of course because the police made me stop and told me this wasn’t the type of thing I should be doing and a lot of the neighbors were complaining because I was making a huge show about it. Well it was MY truck and MY hauntfrog so when the cops were gone I pushed the statue down the hill and it crashed through two parking meters and a newsstand and it didn’t stop until it was on the other side of the railroad track.

OH BY THE WAY WHEN WILL YOU FAMILIES RECOMPENSATE ME FOR THE LEGAL FEES THAT I AM STILL PAYING ON FOR SAVING YOUR RELATIVES FROM THAT FROGWRAITH? I WILL TAKE YOUR PAYPAL DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THE COST OF THE DAMAGES?? IT LITERALLY ROLLED THROUGH A BRICK BUILDING.

GROW UP