BLOCKBUSTERS HITS

Movie Reviews. Let’s get started

Blade Runner

Robots in a post apocalyptic setting. There are all kinds of motorbikes and lots of skeletons with huge scary legs. They have to use the skeleton bones as swords and tools and grind them up for fuel for the motorbikes. I watched the whole thing and half way through the movie they bury all the bones in the sand so it's basically robots versus the spider gangs at that point BUT FORGET ABOUT IT BECAUSE ALL THE BONES ARE HIDDEN GENIUS. A lot of the movie is the gangs searching for bones in the desert. 5/10. Starring Christian Bail

Human Centipedie

I think this is a tyler perry movie when he pretends to be a big black lady and this is the one where she gets out of prison. I was confused about the movie because of the cultural themes like why are the low income families driving monster trucks through the street and everyone's lawns but they are all on welfare?? What’s with the government sponsored monter truck mobiles? Points for raising cultural awareness 8/10. This is a complex tale that made me weep.

Keeping Up with the Cardashans

What is this movie about anyway a ton of dog ladies making a big deal about their parents who went missing like 20 years ago. Now if they went looking for the parents that would be one thing, but no they only mention it and the mystery is never solved so the dead parent subplot is left unanswered. 2/10

Batman

Imagine being bitten by a spider and suddenly you have all the powers of the spider and then you started flipping cars around with your spider ropes for no reason. If you’re like me you are concerned that the guy will mutate into a huge spiderbeast eventually but take it from someone who saw the whole film, this doesn’t happen not even once. The only sad parts in the movie is the part where he beats a thug to death in an alley with his spider whips and a small child sees this from his window up on high and then the spider man screams and he pulls the child out of the window and carries him on his back across the city like a mama spider?? 6/10.

Policenuts 2

I liked the first policenuts better because in that one there was the laughtrack every time officer McFricupst pistol whipped his partner and it made a funny sound effect and the scene when they drive through the middle of a Veterans Day Parade with their cop sirens and dropping grenades out their window. They toned it down a bit in the sequel and a lot less vets were squashed in their second vet day parade rampage 7/10

 

Snakelad: Adverentus of Snakelad: Snake The Lad

A personal favorites this here is about Snakelad who can turn all slithery just like your favorite household pet. Snakelad avert atomic catastrophy with your camoflagueants and your snakapiedes and your robuts hands and save the Netwerks. I’ll explain in greater detail about Netwerks because it’s integral to understand the movie.

There are roughly 600,000 computers in America today each running at a minimum of 400 mgps. This creates 240,000,000 data streams every second of every day, for a grand total of 60x(secs/min)x 60(min/hr)x 24(hrs/day)x (240,000,000) = 2.07 trillion streams per day. Now, what is a data stream? This is basically the flow of digital juice invisible to the naked eye that passes through every human being at  conception and in turn leaves the body at death, eventually returning to the life stream which comprises all living creatures and completes the grand circle - nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita or "halfway along our life's path" which is the path we must all take in life, which is the path of Limbo.

Once the stream enters Limbo our soul is encountered by The Great Worm based on our choices the Worm is either defeated or we are consumed by the whorm. If we are consumed by the whorm, the whorm judges our worthiness based on four different attributes - skill, knowledge, courage and strength. A select few are deemed ‘Lasciate ogne speranza netzano’ or ‘commander of the eternal order of the netizen.'

I won’t ruin anymore of the story but at the end of the movie Snakelad resets the net to zero and the nukes fly. Classic story of redemption. 10/10.

 Artist's representation of the Net Whorm, shown at 10x1scale. We are indeed the masters of our own fats.