And all the world's a stage

for these grandstanding kids! I had some homeless problems several weeks ago as many of you by now surely know, but it's gotten worse. The school got shut down because a homeless man wandered into the school's kitchen and infected everything with VDbHI (Virus Delivered by Homeless Individual/s... look it up) and all the kids got sick and then went home and got their parents sick so now we're under quarantine and the national guard is here shooting anything that moves out there. It's kinda weird like a dream; it's so dark outside even when it's like 12 in the afternoon and you can see shadows running across the grounds and as they dart around sometimes they will stop and in unison look at you and for a moment you can see their horrible memories and thoughts, and part of you just wants to break the window and jump out of it and run wild with these shadows and let the shadows inside the premises so they could feast upon the old people but then I remember that the old people here are my only barganing chip for when the national guard comes (SHOOT ME AND YOU SHOOT THIS LITTLE OLD LADY is what I will say). Naturally, I will have a ring of old people around me at all times protecting me from errant shots. Don't get me wrong I know the snipers will easily get me if they have the whimsy to do so; the shield ring is simply to give me enough time to get near the national guard snipers and tanks to tell them my story.

We have some younger refugees here; a few of them have small babies and I am thinking about duct taping them to my vulnerable areas (1 on chest, 1 sideways on stomache, 1 on back, 1 on lower back, 4 on the sides, back, and top of my head. Baby number assuming, I will also tape babies to any area of my body I can in order to protect me from frag grenades.) In addition, I will strap the weapons I can find- knives/guns/barbed wire/ etc to these babies. The particularly strong ones I will tape knives in their hands and wire to their feet. This is because because they will probably be slashing at anything, and their feet lack the dexterity required to wield knives, so thats why thats where the barbed wire goes. Of course only I will wield the guns as it is wholly irresponsible to give a baby a gun even in such desperate times. This will allow my potential allies to see that i am a walking, living armory and if they are enemies they will think twice about attacking me. Finally, At this point, they will be forced to make a moral choice like in my favorite video games.

anyway there's some gunshots outside so im gonna go make fun of vietnam man for a while sorry for no pictures will tell the full story when I get back

LETS PLAY SUPER FRISBALL !!!

I daydream at work a lot especially around 3:00 – 5:00 pm when I am hiding from my boss here’s a little something I came up with it’s called Super Frissball 64. If you think I should add more !!! marks please let me know and I will.

Super Frissball 64!!!!!!! Super Frissball the game for real men who love sports. Dungeon Crawler. Ultimate sports action with Super Frissball!! ‘Take it to the field’ whilst battling on the grid iron with your ultimate Frissball beliefs - argue about religion with your high school art teacher!! Super Frissball anything is possible but nothing is certain…

SUPER FRIBBSBOLL is the ultimate action/rpg/sport simulator game massively multiplayer where you can finally do all the things you wanted to do in life now you can do them in the virtual world with your Frissball™. Remember the driving instructor who made fun of you for listening to your Kidz Bop CD in the car so you got upset and ran off the road into that playground going 50mph and dislodged the plastic slide from the playset when you hit the hand brake and rammed it going backwards? Throw your Frissball at him he explodes into one million databits but you gain infamy points with the driving school faction (every action in Super Frissball has consequences) Four (4) difficulty settings available - Easy, Republican, Democrat and ‘Extreme’ Democrat. Engrossing Story. Three (3) different endings depending on how you lead your Frissball career and there is also a fourth secret ending that is rated M for Mature.

 

Super Frristball is the ultimate family experience. It breaks the fourth wall…LITERALLY!!!!* (Actual Frissball crashes through television screen at the obtainment of 1,000,000 Frisspoints) Player must dodge actual Frissball!! Recommend having additional television sets in the home to resume playing ultimate Frissball!!! Do not play Frissball on High DefinintionTV!! Frissball Team will never replace replace broken equipment or devices. We expect the player to manage the cost of all damages. *(Under absolutely no circumstances should Super Frissball be played with young children in the room…Frissball ejects from television at upwards of 90mph and this has been found in semi-rare cases to deform developing infant skulls and arms. Dispose of Frissball immediately after use as prolonged handling of Frissball WILL cause damage to developing brains and eyes)

The warnings above will be in the smallest font size possible to ensure positive sales. I will make each player sign a waiver and I’ll keep them in my backpack as usual so that I won’t be liable for any of your mutant Frissball babies as a result of your failure to read simple warnings. If you decide to send your mutant children at me all at once be aware that I already set traps around the ENTIRE home so it won’t matter. And if you hurl your babies at me with catapults forget it because I put a dog on the roof that will bark real loud to warn me of your tricks.

DON’T STRAP YOUR BABIES TO THE FRISSBALL EITHER AND ROLL THEM AT THE DOOR LIKE A BALL BECAUSE THERE ARE HOMELESS GUYS GUARDING THE ENTRANCE WITH SHOVELS WHO ARE IN MY EMPLOY AND THEY WILL KNOCK THOSE GODDAMN THINGS RIGHT BACK. ARE YOU PREPARED TO STOP MULTIPLE BABY BALLS THUNDERING TOWARD YOU THAT A HOMELESS MAN HIT WITH A SHOVEL?

YOU ARE NOT PREPARED.

I. FRISBY. AI0010

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TREATISE ON EDUCATION OF ROBOTS AND OUR CHILDREN, OR, "EVEN NOW THE ROBOT STARTS TO THINK; I WONDER WHAT IT DREAMS."

Budget cuts in this great country are probably the greatest issue any of us faces today; greater even than the omnipresent, relentless attacks on your great freedoms. I personally have been destroyed by these cuts several times, and 97% of my freedoms have been stolen by terrorists like ships sailing in the nights. The nights have even become colder and more dangerous than ever and the wolves are back and I can't afford to help these kids!

PS the dog food 4 homeless people drive was a devastating failure; in fact i was depressed for several weeks and unable to even function. You see, just days before spring the coldest night in recorded history swept through these lands from the terrible north, driving nearly all of the homeless population to war. I went out the morning after; it was like a taiga except instead of snow it was ice and hail and skeletal homeless bodies most places other places were just normal homeless bodies, arms stretched toward heaven, as if to touch the face of God. But it was the darkest side of man- not God- that was out there that night, under the killing moon.

Some of the homeless appeared to resort to cannibalism, as they had chunks of flesh in their mouths and their closest (in proximity, i can not attest to the relationships of these people or if they even have the capacity such as to have relationships) were missing similar pieces of flesh. In addition, we found some of these people had deep sword wounds, some had arrows stuck in them ONE EVEN HAD A CHAINMAIL SHIRT that's not practical in this cold i said to myself, and one had barbed wire around his fist but his body was found nailed to a wall but there were a lot of bodies around him with wire wounds so I think he made his last stand here at this place I've left his body on the wall in testament to his courage. We did get a few kibbles though, so thanks for your support guys. We'll get em next time.

Anyway, budget cuts. I don't mind them cutting my budgets, but they cut the kids budgets maybe if they didn't do this every day the homeless could have kept their families from going to war but idk cuz im not some fancy pancy politician.

See I went to a very good home school and because of this I am a very successful man thank you very much sir. But you take away these kids educations and this is what happens and I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL DOWN IN THE MALL DOWN THE STREET ALL OF THE TIME AND IN THE PARK ON OUR GROUNDS THIS PARK IS FOR PAYING MEMBERS DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THE RULES ARE THERE FOR A REASON TO PROTECT ME FROM YOU KIDS WITH TATTOOS KIDS WITH EARRING YOU SEE THESE KIDS ON THEIR SCOOTERS BOARDS AND YOU JUST WANNA EAT YOUR LUNCH BUT YOU GOTTA GO FIGHT THE KIDS DOWN THE STREET NOW BECAUSE THEY CALLED SOME OLD GUY A MEAN NAME. LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR ELDERS KIDS. THANKS. it didn't used to be this way but they closed the schools here. no child left behind? more like every child left behind

anyway, these are my facts yes they are facts read a book and if you can't well maybe you shouldnt have cut all that book funding

FACT 1. THIS IS A BAD EGGS MOM OR DADDY IDK I CANT TELL. SEE THIS IS WHATS HAPPENING THESE KIDS HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE KIDS ARE ANYMORE ITS LIKE LOOKING AT A CHINESE PERSON OH HI CHINESE MAN, ARE YOU THE SAME MAN I MET MOMENTS AGO OR ARE YOU A NEW MAN I'M NOT A NUMBERS MAN SO IDK THE ODDS AND I DONT WANT TO MAKE A MISTAKE SO ILL JUST ASK YOU? OH WHAT? YOU DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND ENGLISH. GOOD. The parent/child/mom/dad/family pet in question

Not sure what you're smiling about, pal. And I don't think you do, either.

FACT 2. These latch key kids all think they're superheros or something. This one kid, he's always in the arcade he's like 11 years of age why is he alone there? Don't his parents know the risks? Anyway when he leaves the arcade he walks down the street no big deal, right? WRONG. See this kids got these huge ear muffs on his head it's ridiculous. and he just walks down the middle of the street like he owns it well he doesn't own that street. He wears those goggles what are the goggles for? You pretending to be skiing? That must be it; skiing down a black snow mountain or whatever these drugged up dopey kids are hallucinating these days. Or maybe he's the Dreadnought walking on the bottom of the sea I don't know. And he's wearing the shirts like oh look at me I'm the Incredibles (that movie). Well what's your power kid? Oh wait don't tell me let me guess, it's causing fatal car accidents, right? Oh, right, because you just caused the fifth one this week I hope you get hit kid but not die I just want you to get hit so you know how it feels.

DUG UP THIS PHOTO AND ANYWAY, TURNS OUT HE DOES OWN THE STREET AND HIS DAD DID THE VOICE OF THE GUY IN THE INCREDIBLES SO IT MAKES A LITTLE MORE SENSE TO ME NOW BUT THIS IS STILL SIMPLY UNACCEPTABLE. STILL DONT KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THE GOGGLES AND EAR MUFFS THOUGH.

FACT THREE. CHILD PROSTITUTION. IT'S GETTING WORSE. THE MAYOR OR PLICE OR OBAMAN NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, RIGHT NOW. EVERY SINGLE DAY- EVERY SINGLY SAY WITHOUT FAIL- I NEED TO PUSH THIS KID OUT INTO THE STREET TO GET HIM AWAY FROM MY PLACE IDK WHAT HIS DEAL IS BUT FRANKLY IM SICK OF IT. HE KEEPS COMING BACK AND IGNORING MY SIGNS. I TRIED TO COVER HIM IN A BLANKET; HE STOOD UNDER THE BLANKET FOR A TIME BUT THEN WHEN I LOOKED AGAIN HE WAS GONE BUT THE BLANKET WAS THERE. POSSIBLE GHOST PROSTITUTE CHILD. WILL UPDATE AS ABLE.  What's in the box? I asked him once he just looked at me and then got into this big yellow limo zine. Creepy rich little beast prostitute.

Is this child YOUR ghost prostitute chilD? (Note: I added the words for effect as this i s what I think I heard him say to the limo driver once)

FACT 5. So how convenient is this but just outside there was just a huge commotion just now like a huge big deal. I went to investigate and there's this swat team and this clown child. The clown child has a gun! He say's, "I'm here to avenge my dad where's fuckin Barbs that barbed wire bozo" and I heard the cops say "He's dead, son. Nailed to the wall like Jesus." And then I heard a lot of gunfire and looks like I need to put up another monument now. Sorry clown boy. At least you didnt starve of kibbles famine SELFISH CHILD

He actually killed 2 officers.

The Dead Sea Scrolls

These are the minutes all of you requested because you wanted me to chronicle a typical day at the care home so that’s what I did. I am but a humble man of the state do what you will with these precious documents.

8:01  -  Arrived at work. Saw large homeless man trying to scale outside wall. Threw traffic cone at him until he fell. Lands on trash can and garbage explodes everywhere and I’m the one who has to pick it up??

8:10  -  Met newest resident. Called him ‘Bronchitis’ because he kept coughing up something I gave him a list of tasks first task figure out how to synthesize helium because the news said we will run out of the stuff in 2015. Second task stare out window all day make sure that dog stays out of the garbage I MEAN IT.

8:15  -  Observed the one I call ‘Clockwork’ for robot hypothesis. Have been observing him all week after noticing oil leak trailing from his motor chair. Threw a wiffle ball at his head. Moves too fast he’s a robot. Repeat for scientific accuracy. Wrote down results.

Where n=1:

Balls thrown = 37

Times swatted from face = 4

Robot percentage = low

*Researches note* Exploring rival casual factors, possibly allowing balls to hit face to hide from being a robot, etc. Will continue to monitor in lieu of wiffle ball experiment.

 

8:30  -  Took all newspapers and blacked out important words and dates now looks like secret CIA files. Want to know the full story? You can’t CIA black pen over vital mission intel.

8:45  -  Watched Timecop on Blu-Ray in office.

9:08  -  Had to stop Timecop movie to mediate debate between two residents during a bible reading. In the middle of the reading Grapefruit screamed ‘GOD IS DEAD’ and Yams said ‘no’ and Grapefruit screamed ‘GOD IS DEAD’ again and Yams shouted back ‘GOD CANNOT DIE HE IS NEITHER LIVING NOR DEAD’ to which Grapefruit replied ‘No I meant he is dead in the minds of the people the idea of him is dead in modern society’ so Yams snarled ‘PROVE IT’ then Grapefruit kicked the bible out of his hands and ran off.

9:13  -  Resume Timecops.

10:29  -  Break time. Retired to closet for secret eating.

10:45  - Moved Greenthumb outside for daily sun bath (Greenthumb is a 400pound man who for reasons unknown sprouts treelike growth from his hindquarters and we are required by the state to hack off the tendrils that grow around him each night. This is because one time we forgot to do it for a week and all the residents were getting a little uncomfortable because they saw tendrils squirming beneath his door and there were moaning sounds and Greenthumb was shaking around in there. When we went inside we found him stuck in his rootcage that was spiraling out of control and had cracked his bed in twain and the roommate was nowhere we never found him. Anyway there usually are not many problems with Greenthumb as long as I get him outside in time to soak up delicious nutrients from the sun but I think pushing that 400lbs vegetable man almost everyday is why my knee is killing me).

11:05  -  Went Mole Huntin’. If you ignore something enough eventually it will go away that’s what dad used to say. But sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. There are at least 200 moles in this building I have named them all and it is time to take action. I will route them out of their molehomes with my moletraps and send them on the moletrain (moletrain is my truck I have already sewn mole pockets into the interior leather for simple mole transport it’s gonna be that easy)

11:33  -  Made lunch. Forgot to buy food so had to use empty paper towel rolls again. Flatted them and put melted cheese inside then cooked them on George Forman grill just like mom used to make eat them quick before cheese hardens.

12:05  -  Served lunch.

12:15ish  -  Took nap. Dreamed I was Patton Oswalt. Dialed random numbers on a phone and said “Hello this is Patton Oswalt how are you?” in my dream. Wanted to record replies and separate them into categories (believable/skeptical/nonplussed). Every time I try to speak into the phone snakes would come out of my Oswalt mouth and hiss and scream into the receiver so the results were useless.

12:56  -  Woke up. Built giant fort through entire home with sheets and blankets. Made tunnels between the rooms and placed candles to light the way left matches also because there was a breeze that way if the candles went out there were plenty of matches to relight the candles in the blanket house.

1:33  -  Lost in giant blanket fort maze.

1:44  -  Arrived at nexus of tunnels. Heard coughing all around me then Bronchitis lunges from the darkness I strike him with my dao katana. He pants and rolls away beneath a wall of blankets. Am unsure if my blow was fatal.

1:59  -  Yelled at Wheels for knocking down the blankets then banished her to the utility closet aka internment camp. You ruined my fantasy my blanket fantasy how could you?? I am the ruler of the underground and its enforcer and I’m a timecop (blanket timecop jurisdiction).

2:16  -  Had to take down the fort because old man Yams was having a terror attack crawling through the tunnels trying to stab everyone with a kitchen knife he had taped to a table leg. He had ketchup smeared on his face and that’s when I knew he was having one of his Vietnam flashbacks as it was clear he thought he was back in the Củ Chi  tunnels. I understand why he thought that was happening because someone left an old Vietnam movie on and there were people screaming in Vietnamese and bombs exploding we cornered yams at the end of the ‘Green Mile’ and told him to ‘take it easy this isn’t Vietnam it’s just blanket city.’ Yams told all of us we were a bunch of ‘Noodle Eaters’ so that’s why he spent the rest of the day in the utility closet with citizen Wheels.

2:46  -  Had to go home early because I got really mad here’s what happened. Someone was making a ruckus in the dining room and I found Greenthumb in there coughing up pine nuts all over the table and the other residents were getting really sick and puking so I had to run and grab a plastic bag and had to tie it to his head so he could burp the rest of the nuts into it. He kept retching into the bag and hyperventilating so it was really noisy and everyone was getting a headache. I tried keeping an eye on him but the bag filled up way too fast and more of his burp nuts went spilling everywhere and I didn’t notice in time because I was playing sudoku so I had to run and get another bag GUESS WHAT WE WERE OUT OF THEM.

IF I AM FIRED BECAUSE OF THAT BURPING TREE I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CARVE MY NAME ON HIS BARK SKIN HERE IS WHAT IT WILL SAY HELLO MY NAME IS GREENTHUMB STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE PINE NUTS WILL COME OUT OF MY MOUTH AND YOU WILL NEED AT LEAST TWO BAGS TO TAKE CARE OF IT THANKS.