The Dead Sea Scrolls

These are the minutes all of you requested because you wanted me to chronicle a typical day at the care home so that’s what I did. I am but a humble man of the state do what you will with these precious documents.

8:01  -  Arrived at work. Saw large homeless man trying to scale outside wall. Threw traffic cone at him until he fell. Lands on trash can and garbage explodes everywhere and I’m the one who has to pick it up??

8:10  -  Met newest resident. Called him ‘Bronchitis’ because he kept coughing up something I gave him a list of tasks first task figure out how to synthesize helium because the news said we will run out of the stuff in 2015. Second task stare out window all day make sure that dog stays out of the garbage I MEAN IT.

8:15  -  Observed the one I call ‘Clockwork’ for robot hypothesis. Have been observing him all week after noticing oil leak trailing from his motor chair. Threw a wiffle ball at his head. Moves too fast he’s a robot. Repeat for scientific accuracy. Wrote down results.

Where n=1:

Balls thrown = 37

Times swatted from face = 4

Robot percentage = low

*Researches note* Exploring rival casual factors, possibly allowing balls to hit face to hide from being a robot, etc. Will continue to monitor in lieu of wiffle ball experiment.

 

8:30  -  Took all newspapers and blacked out important words and dates now looks like secret CIA files. Want to know the full story? You can’t CIA black pen over vital mission intel.

8:45  -  Watched Timecop on Blu-Ray in office.

9:08  -  Had to stop Timecop movie to mediate debate between two residents during a bible reading. In the middle of the reading Grapefruit screamed ‘GOD IS DEAD’ and Yams said ‘no’ and Grapefruit screamed ‘GOD IS DEAD’ again and Yams shouted back ‘GOD CANNOT DIE HE IS NEITHER LIVING NOR DEAD’ to which Grapefruit replied ‘No I meant he is dead in the minds of the people the idea of him is dead in modern society’ so Yams snarled ‘PROVE IT’ then Grapefruit kicked the bible out of his hands and ran off.

9:13  -  Resume Timecops.

10:29  -  Break time. Retired to closet for secret eating.

10:45  - Moved Greenthumb outside for daily sun bath (Greenthumb is a 400pound man who for reasons unknown sprouts treelike growth from his hindquarters and we are required by the state to hack off the tendrils that grow around him each night. This is because one time we forgot to do it for a week and all the residents were getting a little uncomfortable because they saw tendrils squirming beneath his door and there were moaning sounds and Greenthumb was shaking around in there. When we went inside we found him stuck in his rootcage that was spiraling out of control and had cracked his bed in twain and the roommate was nowhere we never found him. Anyway there usually are not many problems with Greenthumb as long as I get him outside in time to soak up delicious nutrients from the sun but I think pushing that 400lbs vegetable man almost everyday is why my knee is killing me).

11:05  -  Went Mole Huntin’. If you ignore something enough eventually it will go away that’s what dad used to say. But sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. There are at least 200 moles in this building I have named them all and it is time to take action. I will route them out of their molehomes with my moletraps and send them on the moletrain (moletrain is my truck I have already sewn mole pockets into the interior leather for simple mole transport it’s gonna be that easy)

11:33  -  Made lunch. Forgot to buy food so had to use empty paper towel rolls again. Flatted them and put melted cheese inside then cooked them on George Forman grill just like mom used to make eat them quick before cheese hardens.

12:05  -  Served lunch.

12:15ish  -  Took nap. Dreamed I was Patton Oswalt. Dialed random numbers on a phone and said “Hello this is Patton Oswalt how are you?” in my dream. Wanted to record replies and separate them into categories (believable/skeptical/nonplussed). Every time I try to speak into the phone snakes would come out of my Oswalt mouth and hiss and scream into the receiver so the results were useless.

12:56  -  Woke up. Built giant fort through entire home with sheets and blankets. Made tunnels between the rooms and placed candles to light the way left matches also because there was a breeze that way if the candles went out there were plenty of matches to relight the candles in the blanket house.

1:33  -  Lost in giant blanket fort maze.

1:44  -  Arrived at nexus of tunnels. Heard coughing all around me then Bronchitis lunges from the darkness I strike him with my dao katana. He pants and rolls away beneath a wall of blankets. Am unsure if my blow was fatal.

1:59  -  Yelled at Wheels for knocking down the blankets then banished her to the utility closet aka internment camp. You ruined my fantasy my blanket fantasy how could you?? I am the ruler of the underground and its enforcer and I’m a timecop (blanket timecop jurisdiction).

2:16  -  Had to take down the fort because old man Yams was having a terror attack crawling through the tunnels trying to stab everyone with a kitchen knife he had taped to a table leg. He had ketchup smeared on his face and that’s when I knew he was having one of his Vietnam flashbacks as it was clear he thought he was back in the Củ Chi  tunnels. I understand why he thought that was happening because someone left an old Vietnam movie on and there were people screaming in Vietnamese and bombs exploding we cornered yams at the end of the ‘Green Mile’ and told him to ‘take it easy this isn’t Vietnam it’s just blanket city.’ Yams told all of us we were a bunch of ‘Noodle Eaters’ so that’s why he spent the rest of the day in the utility closet with citizen Wheels.

2:46  -  Had to go home early because I got really mad here’s what happened. Someone was making a ruckus in the dining room and I found Greenthumb in there coughing up pine nuts all over the table and the other residents were getting really sick and puking so I had to run and grab a plastic bag and had to tie it to his head so he could burp the rest of the nuts into it. He kept retching into the bag and hyperventilating so it was really noisy and everyone was getting a headache. I tried keeping an eye on him but the bag filled up way too fast and more of his burp nuts went spilling everywhere and I didn’t notice in time because I was playing sudoku so I had to run and get another bag GUESS WHAT WE WERE OUT OF THEM.

IF I AM FIRED BECAUSE OF THAT BURPING TREE I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CARVE MY NAME ON HIS BARK SKIN HERE IS WHAT IT WILL SAY HELLO MY NAME IS GREENTHUMB STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE PINE NUTS WILL COME OUT OF MY MOUTH AND YOU WILL NEED AT LEAST TWO BAGS TO TAKE CARE OF IT THANKS.