RABIES FOR BABIES

I am sending a strongly worded letter to the ceo of WE GOT BOARDS AND SIGNS for messing up my mission of keeping our children safe from the rabies. We are still reeling from the hugest of blunders and embarrassments from this awful company who has yet, by the way, to answer for their hideous crimes.

Due to government spending I am forced to frequently devise plots and schemes for keeping this home fully functional aka feeding the nameless 1 x daily. I could feed them 2 x daily; however, thanks to Chinese labor and Sub Prime Mortgages and high inter4est bail outs we are forced to place our elderly in substandard housing and make them eat from cat food tins with sharp edges because we can’t afford proper bowls. The war in Iran has increased the national det by the billions and we are now witnessing the effects of buying huge amounts of crude oil and selling it to poor countries at high profit margins because it’s funny to see their cars explode and deal with the contingencies forthwith. We elected a Muslim for a president and expect him to know anything about people getting old (our youngest president). Meanwhile, in any Moslim country you will find that the average age of death is 27 because of terrorist attacks and crude oil car explosions. Did you know that government spending actually EXCEEDS Medicare costs and the price of our schools and childhood obesity? How is the average American supposed to afford Heathcare costs AND manage the cost of buying Sports Equipment and Exciting Car Chase Video Gimes for his or her growing children? The government doesn’t CARE about our HEALTH but don’t take it from me, take it from the old people who die EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m telling you it happens in this very home.

goners

 Anyway here’s the letter I wrote

Dear CEO of WE GOT BOARDS AND SIGNS,

I asked for you send me signs and advertisements that read RABIES SHOTS FOR BABIES. Instead you sent me signs which read RABIES FOR BABIES and I have since been persecuted by law enforcement as well as concerned citizens and families to take these signs down and stop all subsequent operations. I have been ordered to keep all children/babies at a 100 meter perimeter from this home at all times. Will you be the ones to come and tell the old people that live here that they will never hear the sweet delight of a children shrieking when they are finally free of the rabies??

 

You have destroyed what was meant to be a harmless operation to sell affordable rabies vaccinations to the babies. Rampant wolves are alarmingly multiplying in these parts which I take zero responsibility for and the risk for rabies is at an all time high. We purchased signs from your company to point concerned mothers and fathers toward our “Rabie Huts” where the child would be vaccinated at discount prices (helping low income families). However, due to your disastrous error in judgment we placed signs which implied we were contracting The Rabies Virus to our children and you can imagine the confusion of the neighborhood with these signs everywhere and the homeless men I had posing outside the Huts with babies but the babies were actually partially deflated footballs covered in shaving cream.

‘Why did you put the signs up if they were wrong/implied child abuse?’

Allow me to explain:

I was already in a bad mood that day because I found a couple of kids hanging outside the home who were making a ruckus. They had boxes and boxes of glowsticks and they told me that if I ate enough of them there was a 50% chance I would get superpowers and that it was a fact because it was listed in several reputable journals. I snapped several of the sticks in half and drank at least a quart of this mysterious juice and I had to stop because I was getting really dizzy and was seeing dark circles and the sounds of cats meowing all around me but there weren’t but a single cat in the whole area.

While I was ill from ingesting the glowgoo I had my staff put up the signs and my staff are not from this country/too young to read. Suddenly there were flashing police lights and angry shouts and an entire news crew from Channel 12. The camera woman even had the nerve to ask me why were there dozens of filled trash bags outside the home. Well Think About it Genius how are the nameless supposed to escape from the top floor during a raging fire? I would put a mattress out there instead but the homeless would steal it As Is Their Custom.

Lucky for me the police were not hassling me at that moment as they were trying to subdue Shoelace the Hoboman who was absolutely freaking out from the cop car lights and was whapping his football baby with a crowbar and hollering nonsense.

While I was speaking to the camera crew I started throwing up wave after wave of the horrible glowgoo and it came out in many different colors and I had been eating tuna so the radioactive fish bits were spilling from my mouth also. The cat sounds came back even harder and I had to put my hands to my ears (drown out the cat screams) while a little boy walked over and asked me if I was dying and I slowly grabbed his collar with one hand while clutching my ear with the other and pulled him close and let our foreheads touch and when I could speak between the globs of rainbow tuna into his precious little child ear I told him to never trust your stupid company.

I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

-NOSTRAND

NOSTRAND'S LOOTING TIPS FOR THE END OF DAYS; TIPS FOR BOTH BELIEVERS AND NON BELIEVERS (RAPTURETIPS)

HELLO PEOPLE OF ALL RELIGIONS AND BELIEFS! Many people have talked about the end of days happening today, and I guess that there is 100% probability f thois happening today so I figured I'd give some people some hard earned tips so that they might be able to please jesus in their final hours to make up for their many, many sins. And if you've already pleased jesus, maybe this will help you please him even more to get a new place in heaven closer to jesus so read these tips ok?

1) Get naked cuz thats what youll be when jesus comes to get ya. But dont you dare look up when he's coming down, as he will be naked as well and it is a cardinal sin to look at jesus' genitals while he descends from on high. This is the final trick for the believers, and it's hidden in the bible in just one passage (Genesis 4:17) so look at the ground but not too hard cuz then jesus might think you're looking at the devil saying, "save me devil below" and that also is bad. You might think youre smart cuz you decide to look at the burning horizon or the buildings or the ipods around you; just generally staring ahead of you so you dont see the devile or jesus genitals, but that also is bad. If youre looking at natural things, jesus will think you worship unholy indian gods. If you're looking at your ipods or the buildings, he will think you are practicing idolatry- also bad. Finally, if you are looking at something that YOU YOURSELF built, he will think you are prideful- the most bad of all the cardinal sins. Also, dont keep your eyes closed the entire time, or jesus will think that you don't appreciate the world he gave to you. so look at everything equally by shifting your eyes and for everything you see, SCREAM "THANK YOU JESUS!"

2) be absolutely sure that you delete ANY MAGIC CHARACTERS IN YOUR GAMES, LEST JESUS THINK YOU TO BE A WITCH AND THROW YOU INTO THE BOILING WATER TO SEE IF YOU FLOAT OR DROWN. IF YOU FAIL THIS TEST BY BEING A WITCH, YOU WILL BE SENT STRAIGHT TO HELL WITH ALL OF THE SPIDERS. NOTE: research shows that the witching (the test jesus will make you take) depends entirely on what jesus wants, so if you float and your friend drowns, there is a very real possibility that you both are going to hell because jesus is not a betting creature. Also burn your harry potter books cuz that pisses jesus off pretty bad. Should you not burn your books, I hope for your own sake that mr. potter comes to save you like superman because only his powers can combat jesus and his strength so that's why jesus gets so mad at them books.

3) looting is in fact permitted, but only if jesus isnt directly in the vicinity at the time. otherwise youre going straight to hell on the horsemans back. looting things and then charitably giving them to some people outside will grant you bonus charity points when you get to heaven and those gates up there, which might be just what you need to pass in through them. note: don't rob peoples houses, that's the one caveat.

4) Jesus has no appreciation of our primitive justice systems. You can do prettymuch whatever you want, but if it's bad and jesus sees you do it, he will send you straight to hell. No waiting, no trials. So be very careful about your breaking into cars and helping other people into heaven by using stealthwerks tech garrote attacks during all the chaos

5) The streets will run red will the blood of women and children as the mens bodies are nailed to walls and eaten as carrion by wolfs and falcons. Bring some nails and a hammer to show people that you can help them nail and smash people to death, and you might become a valuable member of the makeshift deathsquad. In time, other deathsquads are sure to rise to power, so hopefully you become hardened enough to smash people with your hammers so that you might rise to the coveted Champion rank. Should you be felled in battle, gentlemans honor dictates that you be placed upon a small boat and set ablaze by flaming arrows. The more hammers you collect, the more lavish the boat you are placed in (along with all your hammers) so be sure to keep them on your person at all times. preferably, skin a large animal or a man and wear that skin as our ancestors did. However, poke holes through it and stick all your hammers through those holes but be sure to sew a few hidden pockets for nails for these will serve as both a form of currency and also a form of protection. As the nail supplies dwindle, he who has nails is king, and if you go and nail a few people to walls, you will most definately gain some followers for your deathsquad, increasing your status. However, be careful that lawful folk don't gain control of the makeshift government of your area, because they will most likely outlaw nails and while this will drive the price of nails !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THROUGH THE ROOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it will also make you an outlaw. This can be good or bad, because if you get caught they will nail you to the outlaw wall with your own nails which will probably be taken by looters...... unless, of course, you nail every last one of them to the wall first and gain control of the government.

So those r some of my tips; Hope you guys get to heaven and hope I see ya there

CRISIS AVERTED

TWO THINGS BUT ILL KEEP THE FIRST ONE SHORT CUZ WHO CARES THE SECOND ONE IS VERY IMPORTANT


first thing first, shadow crisis is over no thanks to them national guard chumps. well maybe it was them I don't really know; all I know is things got bad fast and the shadows assaulted the compound with a pretty coordinated strike I was strangle proud of them for this. However, we were prepared and had several lines of defense.

Anyway they stormed the compound and broke through the first line of defense consisting of wheels and some other people I don't know. I never seen their faces before and didn't want to give them names because then I would be attached and well let's face it, one way or another these people had maybe two weeks at most and I just didn't want to deal with the heartbreak. This line was called "The Wisdom of Years," thinking that maybe wisdom was what would defeat these fiends. It lasted less than a minute; I kind of figured it would take the shadows at least a little bit of time to cross over the burning bodies (we filled the ENTIRE hallway with gas and closed all the windows and rigged Wheels chair to shoot sparks if it moved even a little. She moved I guess maybe two hours before the assault began, which wasn't entirely unexpected, so it was just a hallway of terror when the shadows came through the doors. Anyway they cross them bodies pretty easily.) Wheels has died for the second time, and I miss her just as much as the first time. What they say is true: it never get's easier. Love ya wheels.

And to the parents of those tiny babies, well, your babies needless sacrifice shall not be in vain.  I took a few babies for myself for my baby armor and then threw the rest of them into this baby corral thing. We put up a bunch of them baby corral things you know them things you put your babies in. it's not a crib; its more like a dog pen but for babies. So your baby can roll it's ball around or something without peeing all over your floor, just that one isolated place so it's easier to clean up. You know the things. Anyway, I wrapped barbed wire around the corral and stuck some knives and nails through the plastic, and threw some snakes I found but I don't think they were poisonous but I put them in there anyway. This seemed to slow the shadows only a little tiny bit. This line was aptly named, "The Folly of Youth."

The third line was the most successful. It was called, "Pickett's Charge" for that Gettysburg battle cuz I expected it to fail pretty badly (frisbee was the 4th line and we were all dead if they reached that point). Anyway this line was full of automated defenses; turrets etc. I dont know where these things came from; fris came up to me and told me to follow him into the basement and then implored that I station these weapons of destruction right at the doors but that's not very strategic what if they storm the doors and knock the guns over? Not very useful then. Anyway i don't think the guns even did anything; i heard them go off a bunch but there were no shadow bodies so I don't know what this was all about but it's over so who cares.

Now for the good stuff: VIDEO GAMES REALISM.

Grisbee came down after the shadow assault was done and he asked me how my wallet was doing. "Good," I said, "If you consider being thrown into the garbage because it sickened me a good thing." He got pretty sad so I asked if he wanted to play some games and he, naturally, said yes.

Well this got me thinking about some other games I have been playing. I was talking to my one friend about this one game and maybe you've heard of it but anyway you drive horses around off of cliffs. Pretty cool concept, I said to myself at first, until I drove my horse off the cliffs and it just died and so did I? First, and I'm no scientist, but wouldn't the horse take all the gravity? So you would just crush the horse but you would be fine and could walk away? Not in this game. And the horse doesn't even explode. Like maybe not into a huge explosion (though I kind of expected it to happen at first) but wouldn't its blood and guts fly all over the place and cover the entire road? The horse weighs like 1800 pounds that's a lot of meat and that meat doesnt just slap against the ground after falling 200 feet; and if you take into account the horse taking all of the gravity, that's like an extra 200 man pounds on top of that horse. So the horse is hitting the ground at 2000 pounds per second and it doesnt even explode and I still die and don't get the meat? Some simple math and correct me if I'm wrong, but to find the force of impact you take the velocity multiplied by the mass. So, 80mphx 2000 pounds= 16,000 mph impact. For comparison, one ton of TNT explodes with 4.184×109 joules of energy

Below you will see my diagrams. the first is the setup; the second IS WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN. The third is what DOES happen in game, but keep in mind that the third diagram is slightly inaccurate as neither the horse nor you explodes upon impact.

Anyway, Grisbee puts in this game called Elder Schools: Oblivion. He has this magic user that I deleted because magic is witchcraft and I don't deal with witches at all or associate with people who even pretend to be a witch in any way. So I make a new character, a very stealthy charming man who is very good with a bow and dagger. Anyway I make my dude and I'm on my merry way. Well let me tell you guys something about this game. First, you can get glass armor. How is glass armor any good? It would break in like two seconds hey let me hit your glass armor with my tiny hammer and ruin you. At least that's what would happen in real life but not in this game. Also glass is pretty heavy I think so. And a glass weapon? Well I guess you can do that, but not glass arrows that's not even possible. Like how effective would they even be? Well I'm sorry about my glass rant that's not what it's really about... what it's really about is

STEALTH.

Now, stealth is something I've worked really hard on in my years. Stealth can get you out of (and into!!) some sticky situations. It can help you get some information not otherwise available. It's for these reasons that I have trained mybodily heavily in the art of stealthwerks. Everyone reacts differently when they know you just went into stealth. They start to check behind their shoulders, they pat their pockets and get all shifty eyed knowing they might be being watched. Show me the man who does not react when I go into stealth, and I will kill that man.

How stealth works

So why is it that in this game, I can go into stealth and no one even cares? Now, part of the training in stealthwerks is that you need to intentionally fail your stealth attempts during your training at some point. For me, this involved walking out into the middle of Boulevard of the Allies and going into stealth while in the middle of the street in the broad daylight. Have you ever tried to do something like this? Probably not, so you wouldn't know, but people react to it. For better or worse, everyone reacts. It's human nature, and if you don't react well then I have suspicions about some of your claims. Everyone reacts. that's the first lesson. Learn it; it's the only free lesson in stealth you'll ever get.

But in this game, you can go crouch in a corner and shoot arrows at windows as if to say, "I'm going to break into this establishment once I figure out this window" and no one even cares or even bats and eye! And then it gets dark and you stop caring about the window you go for the easy target, the door and you pick it with ease as expected and get your iron helmets. But where's the thrill? that's why I do it that's why I make these sneaky classes so that there's some risk but when you can just stealth right in front of a guy and he doesnt think it's a big deal well something is wrong. Now, I would get it if people were all walking down the streets all stealthed. If everyone was walking around crouched all the time shooting arrows at windows, fine. If that's the culture of the place, sign me up. But this is not customary for these people and it's these small oversights that ruin these games.

Overall I give this game a 7/10 i guess it might be pretty fun if you're a witch but if you want to be a stealthed man don't even bother. Oh you can become a vampire too I guess, but not a werewolf so that's 1 point off. Twilight really made werewolves acceptable in videogames and I think it's totally irresponsible to not have this option in the game for avid Twilight fans. 6/10.

That stuff above: Stealth shoes. Stealth glasses (they let you see stealthed planes and stealthed allies) and my favorite, hackers goo. It lets you hack stuff a little easier but you have to train for this stuff for years don't just try to get your hands on hackers goo you need to pass all the tests before they will give it to you and no I will not show you it in action so dont even ask me.


So then he asked what I felt like killing; like did I feel like killing some dragons or people or more horses. So I naturally said can I stealth into the dragons lair? And he said no, so we played call of duty.

All I have to say about this game is that everyone runs around with machine guns and silenced shotguns. No thanks. Oh and nerve gass too, somehow. And people just walk through it like no big deal, but no you. You walk through it and your nerves go all sorts of crazy (you go blind and slow down and everything just SUCKS im glad they banned this stuff in wars, but then why is it in this war? Idk just one of them little things that ruins immersion) and then you get shot with a shotgun with a silencer on it and some guy crouches on your body and then fires his gun into the air like I imagine Rebels do after they win a big battle all the while spinning around in circles as fast as he can. 5/10.

BLACKLISTED FROM OLIVE GARDEN

Hey everyone lets go eat at The Olive Garden where they discriminate against originality and helping the elderly and in fact hate the elderly and it’s obvious based on their business practices. This is the last time I agree to take a handful of the nameless out to eat to get them out of the home for a few hours because the state was coming to do their audit and our bed-to-resident ratio wasn’t exactly even.

We arrived for lunch and even though it was a Tuesday the entire lobby was filled with middle aged white women clucking around asking where was the bathroom? In the food is what I should have told them in hindsight (20/20). Instead of guiding us to our seats like any normal restaurant they gave us this crazy black disc that they said would vibrate (?) and light up (??) when it was our turn to eat. Excuse me don’t you see these old men and women haven’t eaten in days? I said storming out of the restaurant with my black buzzing sorcery stone.

So we began chucking it at the dumpster outside hoping we could make the lights come on and then get to our seats quicker. Around the fourth or fifth chuck the manager came out with his tie and asked us what the heck are we doing? We told him this was part of our culture and our values and it was socially acceptable where we come from to throw this thing at dumpsters before a meal as a family. He left us to our chucking but I think he was still suspicious because he kept looking at us from the window and was talking on his phone the whole time.

After running over the Olive Garden token with my truck it started leaking a funny kind of juice and wouldn’t stop shaking/was vibrating way too hard and was getting hard to hold so we took it inside. We got through the crowd easily because our disk was buzzing like a hornet’s nest and smelled really bad, and with the red juice dripping out like hot wax. Eventually we made it to the waitress to exchange our broken buzzstone for an Italian meal.

We were instantly judged and asked a dozen questions that had nothing to do with anything. They went and got the manager who told us that it was ‘definitely a crime to throw the disc in the outside fountain with the battery cover off’. I reminded the manager that we live in a country called ‘America’ where it was a crime to stop my freedoms and I can eat here if I want so try and stop these freedoms.

I immediately began parading through the restaurant cupping my hands like a megaphone shouting songs about liberty and white eagles and the stars and with all those old people following me past the tables where everyone was eating and the old people kept snatching the bread off people’s tables as we passed and Dishes scared a teenage girl because he started snarfing up salad out of the big bowl making pig noises and occasionally would look up at the girl and smile at her with his rows of razor sharp teeth. A lot of people were getting out of their chairs and there was one man wearing pants with an American Flag on them and I guess he really dug what was going on because he started lighting fireworks everywhere that kept exploding and pieces of lettuce and pasta bowls were flying through the restaurant.

Singing songs about the purple mountains and golden dreams with the sounds of people screaming/old people stealing food/fireworks going off and you couldn’t see anything because of the smoke and the flying Italian food. The man with the flag pants started flipping tables and when the police came they had to Taze Him three times because he had already smashed four windows and had stolen the managers tie and was using it to lasso the old people I brought with me which I believe represents elderly suffrage (Medicare? Taxing the elderly?? What was this patriot trying to tell us???)

When I got out of jail the first thing I did was go back to the Olive Garbage to spray paint all kinds of powerful words and images near the door and although I’m sure that manager tried to scrub these out with his tyranny soap you can still see the faded image of a proud eagle perched on a globe with America showing on the globe only I messed up the shape of it and had to scribble over it a bunch of times so it looks like hamburger helper.

Barbed Wire Baby

In keeping with the thoughts of my last update, I've been thinking pretty hard about the baby armor since it might be my only hope to get out of this place as a human and not a shadow. The gunfire I was talking about was actually a band of survivors shooting out the windows at the shadows. Needless to say, the entire Eastern Wing had to be closed off and has been renamed, "The Wing of Pestilence." I thought it was a nice touch I spent all day etching that into the wall in remembrance of their great FOOLISH sacrifice. Foolish kids what do you think was going to happen? But death is serious and under no circumstances should it ever be made fun of so let's get back to my baby armor.

The shadows seem to avoid the old people like the plague. Here are my theories:
1. The spirits know the old people will soon be joining them and thus do not desire to spend precious spirit energy on these people.
2. The spirits fear the old people; worrying (as I often do) that they will suck the spiritual energy from right out of their etheral forms (or in my case, my youth.)
3. The old people and the spirits are one and the same.
4. The old people actually control the spirits.
5. The spirits plan on using the old people as their very own "Shield Ring" tm, and will proceed to address the National Guard at any time using my own stratagems.
6. This is all a dream concocted by the old people using their vast mental powers gained only through long pointless lives spent arguing with others who hold opposing views (particularly about religion related themes) and now they render their unholy punishment upon us.

Considering these possible (probable) facts, I have decided to allow the spirits to use the elderly as their own shield ring. I have decided to instead use as many babies. I think that if i try to steal the old people the spirits will become enraged for they are related to the old people in some fashion (be it they are the old people, or they simply need the old people these are all relations.) But the spirits seem to not care too much about the children, so I plan on snatching the kids and using them as my own shield wall. The spirits will still probably be super pissed, but not quite as pissed as if i were to take their precious slaves (that's what the old people might as well be in my humble opinion)

Anyway, if i strap barbed wire to the feet of these babies, that will probably cut them pretty bad. Now normally I wouldnt even consider such a thing, but these are difficult times, and it just seems to make most sense that the parts of these kids that they wont really ever care about gets cut up super bad. So, knives in the hands and barbed wire on the feet.

CAN THESE SMALL BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN NOT SIMPLY WEAR SHOES TO PROTECT THEIR SUPPLE FLESH? IF THE MATERIAL IS OF SUFFICIENT QUALITY, PERHAPS THIS FORM OF FOOT ARMOR MIGHT  PREVENT COUNTER KNIFE ATTACKS, YES?

NO FRISBEE GOD DAMN YOU LUNATIC GO BACK TO THE P WING AND KEEP GUARD AGAINST THE SHADOWS!

MALEFICARUM.

GET OVER IT CHUMP!

Sorry folks, we got this new computer well I got this new computer, and it has this weird voice recognition technology and it types whatever is said around you I didn't know that it was on sorry about that; that was frisbee crying about something again I don't know what I don't even care to scroll up and read it for that would be somewhat respectful, and I have no respect for men such as he.

No, I can't let them use shoes that defeats the entire purpose this is war and we all have to make sacrifices, Frisbee, and I pray that history remembers this blog so everyone can see how foolish you are you fill me with seething disappointment I am sorry to have ever made you. I didn't say that out loud, I typed that so frisbee can read it in the future if he is so inclined (he had better be if he knows what's good for you)

ANyway, no one is gonna shoot at a man covered in babies right? Still no pictures cuz I need to keep these kids identities secret, at least until i have no use for them