BLACKLISTED FROM OLIVE GARDEN

Hey everyone lets go eat at The Olive Garden where they discriminate against originality and helping the elderly and in fact hate the elderly and it’s obvious based on their business practices. This is the last time I agree to take a handful of the nameless out to eat to get them out of the home for a few hours because the state was coming to do their audit and our bed-to-resident ratio wasn’t exactly even.

We arrived for lunch and even though it was a Tuesday the entire lobby was filled with middle aged white women clucking around asking where was the bathroom? In the food is what I should have told them in hindsight (20/20). Instead of guiding us to our seats like any normal restaurant they gave us this crazy black disc that they said would vibrate (?) and light up (??) when it was our turn to eat. Excuse me don’t you see these old men and women haven’t eaten in days? I said storming out of the restaurant with my black buzzing sorcery stone.

So we began chucking it at the dumpster outside hoping we could make the lights come on and then get to our seats quicker. Around the fourth or fifth chuck the manager came out with his tie and asked us what the heck are we doing? We told him this was part of our culture and our values and it was socially acceptable where we come from to throw this thing at dumpsters before a meal as a family. He left us to our chucking but I think he was still suspicious because he kept looking at us from the window and was talking on his phone the whole time.

After running over the Olive Garden token with my truck it started leaking a funny kind of juice and wouldn’t stop shaking/was vibrating way too hard and was getting hard to hold so we took it inside. We got through the crowd easily because our disk was buzzing like a hornet’s nest and smelled really bad, and with the red juice dripping out like hot wax. Eventually we made it to the waitress to exchange our broken buzzstone for an Italian meal.

We were instantly judged and asked a dozen questions that had nothing to do with anything. They went and got the manager who told us that it was ‘definitely a crime to throw the disc in the outside fountain with the battery cover off’. I reminded the manager that we live in a country called ‘America’ where it was a crime to stop my freedoms and I can eat here if I want so try and stop these freedoms.

I immediately began parading through the restaurant cupping my hands like a megaphone shouting songs about liberty and white eagles and the stars and with all those old people following me past the tables where everyone was eating and the old people kept snatching the bread off people’s tables as we passed and Dishes scared a teenage girl because he started snarfing up salad out of the big bowl making pig noises and occasionally would look up at the girl and smile at her with his rows of razor sharp teeth. A lot of people were getting out of their chairs and there was one man wearing pants with an American Flag on them and I guess he really dug what was going on because he started lighting fireworks everywhere that kept exploding and pieces of lettuce and pasta bowls were flying through the restaurant.

Singing songs about the purple mountains and golden dreams with the sounds of people screaming/old people stealing food/fireworks going off and you couldn’t see anything because of the smoke and the flying Italian food. The man with the flag pants started flipping tables and when the police came they had to Taze Him three times because he had already smashed four windows and had stolen the managers tie and was using it to lasso the old people I brought with me which I believe represents elderly suffrage (Medicare? Taxing the elderly?? What was this patriot trying to tell us???)

When I got out of jail the first thing I did was go back to the Olive Garbage to spray paint all kinds of powerful words and images near the door and although I’m sure that manager tried to scrub these out with his tyranny soap you can still see the faded image of a proud eagle perched on a globe with America showing on the globe only I messed up the shape of it and had to scribble over it a bunch of times so it looks like hamburger helper.