RABIES FOR BABIES

I am sending a strongly worded letter to the ceo of WE GOT BOARDS AND SIGNS for messing up my mission of keeping our children safe from the rabies. We are still reeling from the hugest of blunders and embarrassments from this awful company who has yet, by the way, to answer for their hideous crimes.

Due to government spending I am forced to frequently devise plots and schemes for keeping this home fully functional aka feeding the nameless 1 x daily. I could feed them 2 x daily; however, thanks to Chinese labor and Sub Prime Mortgages and high inter4est bail outs we are forced to place our elderly in substandard housing and make them eat from cat food tins with sharp edges because we can’t afford proper bowls. The war in Iran has increased the national det by the billions and we are now witnessing the effects of buying huge amounts of crude oil and selling it to poor countries at high profit margins because it’s funny to see their cars explode and deal with the contingencies forthwith. We elected a Muslim for a president and expect him to know anything about people getting old (our youngest president). Meanwhile, in any Moslim country you will find that the average age of death is 27 because of terrorist attacks and crude oil car explosions. Did you know that government spending actually EXCEEDS Medicare costs and the price of our schools and childhood obesity? How is the average American supposed to afford Heathcare costs AND manage the cost of buying Sports Equipment and Exciting Car Chase Video Gimes for his or her growing children? The government doesn’t CARE about our HEALTH but don’t take it from me, take it from the old people who die EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m telling you it happens in this very home.

goners

 Anyway here’s the letter I wrote

Dear CEO of WE GOT BOARDS AND SIGNS,

I asked for you send me signs and advertisements that read RABIES SHOTS FOR BABIES. Instead you sent me signs which read RABIES FOR BABIES and I have since been persecuted by law enforcement as well as concerned citizens and families to take these signs down and stop all subsequent operations. I have been ordered to keep all children/babies at a 100 meter perimeter from this home at all times. Will you be the ones to come and tell the old people that live here that they will never hear the sweet delight of a children shrieking when they are finally free of the rabies??

 

You have destroyed what was meant to be a harmless operation to sell affordable rabies vaccinations to the babies. Rampant wolves are alarmingly multiplying in these parts which I take zero responsibility for and the risk for rabies is at an all time high. We purchased signs from your company to point concerned mothers and fathers toward our “Rabie Huts” where the child would be vaccinated at discount prices (helping low income families). However, due to your disastrous error in judgment we placed signs which implied we were contracting The Rabies Virus to our children and you can imagine the confusion of the neighborhood with these signs everywhere and the homeless men I had posing outside the Huts with babies but the babies were actually partially deflated footballs covered in shaving cream.

‘Why did you put the signs up if they were wrong/implied child abuse?’

Allow me to explain:

I was already in a bad mood that day because I found a couple of kids hanging outside the home who were making a ruckus. They had boxes and boxes of glowsticks and they told me that if I ate enough of them there was a 50% chance I would get superpowers and that it was a fact because it was listed in several reputable journals. I snapped several of the sticks in half and drank at least a quart of this mysterious juice and I had to stop because I was getting really dizzy and was seeing dark circles and the sounds of cats meowing all around me but there weren’t but a single cat in the whole area.

While I was ill from ingesting the glowgoo I had my staff put up the signs and my staff are not from this country/too young to read. Suddenly there were flashing police lights and angry shouts and an entire news crew from Channel 12. The camera woman even had the nerve to ask me why were there dozens of filled trash bags outside the home. Well Think About it Genius how are the nameless supposed to escape from the top floor during a raging fire? I would put a mattress out there instead but the homeless would steal it As Is Their Custom.

Lucky for me the police were not hassling me at that moment as they were trying to subdue Shoelace the Hoboman who was absolutely freaking out from the cop car lights and was whapping his football baby with a crowbar and hollering nonsense.

While I was speaking to the camera crew I started throwing up wave after wave of the horrible glowgoo and it came out in many different colors and I had been eating tuna so the radioactive fish bits were spilling from my mouth also. The cat sounds came back even harder and I had to put my hands to my ears (drown out the cat screams) while a little boy walked over and asked me if I was dying and I slowly grabbed his collar with one hand while clutching my ear with the other and pulled him close and let our foreheads touch and when I could speak between the globs of rainbow tuna into his precious little child ear I told him to never trust your stupid company.

I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

-NOSTRAND