HELLO PEOPLE OF ALL RELIGIONS AND BELIEFS! Many people have talked about the end of days happening today, and I guess that there is 100% probability f thois happening today so I figured I'd give some people some hard earned tips so that they might be able to please jesus in their final hours to make up for their many, many sins. And if you've already pleased jesus, maybe this will help you please him even more to get a new place in heaven closer to jesus so read these tips ok?
1) Get naked cuz thats what youll be when jesus comes to get ya. But dont you dare look up when he's coming down, as he will be naked as well and it is a cardinal sin to look at jesus' genitals while he descends from on high. This is the final trick for the believers, and it's hidden in the bible in just one passage (Genesis 4:17) so look at the ground but not too hard cuz then jesus might think you're looking at the devil saying, "save me devil below" and that also is bad. You might think youre smart cuz you decide to look at the burning horizon or the buildings or the ipods around you; just generally staring ahead of you so you dont see the devile or jesus genitals, but that also is bad. If youre looking at natural things, jesus will think you worship unholy indian gods. If you're looking at your ipods or the buildings, he will think you are practicing idolatry- also bad. Finally, if you are looking at something that YOU YOURSELF built, he will think you are prideful- the most bad of all the cardinal sins. Also, dont keep your eyes closed the entire time, or jesus will think that you don't appreciate the world he gave to you. so look at everything equally by shifting your eyes and for everything you see, SCREAM "THANK YOU JESUS!"
2) be absolutely sure that you delete ANY MAGIC CHARACTERS IN YOUR GAMES, LEST JESUS THINK YOU TO BE A WITCH AND THROW YOU INTO THE BOILING WATER TO SEE IF YOU FLOAT OR DROWN. IF YOU FAIL THIS TEST BY BEING A WITCH, YOU WILL BE SENT STRAIGHT TO HELL WITH ALL OF THE SPIDERS. NOTE: research shows that the witching (the test jesus will make you take) depends entirely on what jesus wants, so if you float and your friend drowns, there is a very real possibility that you both are going to hell because jesus is not a betting creature. Also burn your harry potter books cuz that pisses jesus off pretty bad. Should you not burn your books, I hope for your own sake that mr. potter comes to save you like superman because only his powers can combat jesus and his strength so that's why jesus gets so mad at them books.
3) looting is in fact permitted, but only if jesus isnt directly in the vicinity at the time. otherwise youre going straight to hell on the horsemans back. looting things and then charitably giving them to some people outside will grant you bonus charity points when you get to heaven and those gates up there, which might be just what you need to pass in through them. note: don't rob peoples houses, that's the one caveat.
4) Jesus has no appreciation of our primitive justice systems. You can do prettymuch whatever you want, but if it's bad and jesus sees you do it, he will send you straight to hell. No waiting, no trials. So be very careful about your breaking into cars and helping other people into heaven by using stealthwerks tech garrote attacks during all the chaos
5) The streets will run red will the blood of women and children as the mens bodies are nailed to walls and eaten as carrion by wolfs and falcons. Bring some nails and a hammer to show people that you can help them nail and smash people to death, and you might become a valuable member of the makeshift deathsquad. In time, other deathsquads are sure to rise to power, so hopefully you become hardened enough to smash people with your hammers so that you might rise to the coveted Champion rank. Should you be felled in battle, gentlemans honor dictates that you be placed upon a small boat and set ablaze by flaming arrows. The more hammers you collect, the more lavish the boat you are placed in (along with all your hammers) so be sure to keep them on your person at all times. preferably, skin a large animal or a man and wear that skin as our ancestors did. However, poke holes through it and stick all your hammers through those holes but be sure to sew a few hidden pockets for nails for these will serve as both a form of currency and also a form of protection. As the nail supplies dwindle, he who has nails is king, and if you go and nail a few people to walls, you will most definately gain some followers for your deathsquad, increasing your status. However, be careful that lawful folk don't gain control of the makeshift government of your area, because they will most likely outlaw nails and while this will drive the price of nails !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THROUGH THE ROOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it will also make you an outlaw. This can be good or bad, because if you get caught they will nail you to the outlaw wall with your own nails which will probably be taken by looters...... unless, of course, you nail every last one of them to the wall first and gain control of the government.
So those r some of my tips; Hope you guys get to heaven and hope I see ya there
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