I must confess that I have done some horrible things and I am ready to talk about them - I am sorry for what happened during my time with the elderly. I’m doing this so that when I die I will be cleansed in St. Elmo’s Fire I will ascend free of all sin and achieve angel status or maybe even arch-angel status.
1) SORRY ABOUT THE CAKE aka sorry for ‘Medication Surprise Tuesdays’. This was a game where I would throw everyone’s medication in a large bingo cage I had bolted to my desk and I would churn it as fast as I could then dispense the pills at random to the nameless…last person to stay awake wins a piece of cake. I always forgot to make the cake I never had the time so sorry for forgetting to make that cake for all you winners.
2) I saw a waterfall in a magazine once and it looked so serene so I went to home depot and bought a whole cartload of PVC piping and four or five drills. I wanted to drill some holes in the pipes and attach them to the ceiling fans then I would make a hose shoot water up the pipes so that it would come out the holes like a spinning waterfall or perhaps beautiful rain sprinkles 'Add Japanese Water Stones For Effect'. It turned out to be way too much work so I abandoned the project now there’s this whole mess of PVC piping and drills laying in everyone’s room and there’s this layer of dust from when I started drilling into the pipes and it makes everyone cough a lot. So I’m so sorry I never got that waterfall to work right I know you were all looking forward to it.
3) Sorry for not taking the mole problem seriously.
4) I need to apologize for the ‘Moby Dick’ incident this one time a new resident came she was a hugely fat white lady wearing a white bed sheet or maybe it was a table cloth. When she waddled through the doorway I screamed ‘Moby Dick!!’ in her direction and everyone in the room laughed. Then I shouted ‘THAR SHE BLOWS’ or something and everyone laughed even harder. Later that day I asked to borrow a dollar from her to buy a drink from the machine and she gave it to me. A few days ago I realized that I never payed ol’ Moby back so sorry for keeping that fat lady’s whale dollar.
CHAPTER 2 – THE ‘DEAD SPACE’ SEEING EYE CLOWN AND OTHER STORIES
5) Here’s another thing I thought it would be a good idea to hold a fire drill but when I tried to sound the alarm I realized it was broken so I had to improvise. I hired Shoelace the hoboman to run into the building slamming a trashcan lid with a turkey bone in place of the alarm. I started yelling FIRE but nobody really understood what was going on because Shoelace was screaming and running around making a huge racket and these dark lumps were falling out of his pants as he ran around. I soon realized that these were dead animals that he had brought in from the street. The whole thing was getting a little out of hand so I told him to tone it down a bit. This was a fire drill not a Shoelace drill. And if he didn’t cut the crap we would have to start having Shoelace drills in the future because this was getting kind of ridiculous.
I must have made him angry because he got a hold of a lighter and ran around lighting the curtains on fire so I started chasing him around while he hollered and swung his turkybone while the room filled with smoke and everyone was really confused and I was trying to apologize and kept tripping over the dead critters everywhere shouting for everyone to get out before they were consumed by the inferno. I blacked out but thankfully someone found the fire extinguisher and took care of the whole mess.
6) One time I played ‘Dead Space’ the video game and it was so cool that I wanted others to play it so I wasn’t alone in my head. I made it a rule that you weren’t aloud to go to sleep until you completed the game. None of the nameless could do it even though I set them up on the easiest difficulty setting most couldn’t even get past the start-up menu. But this game wasn’t really fair for Patches because he’s blind so I found this clown who was working at a children’s party across the street who was up for a little ‘freelance employment’ which I said I would pay him for but I never did.
Anyway he sat next to Patches while he punched commands into the controller at random while the clown described all the horrible things that were happening on the screen. Patches was getting really upset especially when the game became more and more awful we could tell because of the tears and how he kept trying to give the clown the controller. The clown had really bad breath and I think he was enjoying the whole thing a little too much because he kept honking his horn in Patches’ ear every time he was killed which kept happening over and over again. Anyway I felt so horrible about the whole thing that I threw the clown out and told Patches he could go to sleep even though he hadn’t beaten the game. The worst part of this whole story is that the clown came back at night and chucked a brick through Patches’ window.
SORRY FOR EVERYTHING GUYS I HOPE YOU DON’T MISS ME WHEN I’M SINGIN IN HEAVEN WITH THE ANGELS. HERE’S THE MORAL OF THE STORY DON’T FORCE OLD PEOPLE TO PLAY VIDEOS GAMES AND THEN MAKE IT A RULE THAT THEY CAN’T SLEEP IF THEY DON’T JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK IT SOUNDS FUN. AND IF YOU’RE BRINGING CLOWNS INTO IT YOU SHOULD STOP BECAUSE THINGS WILL GET WAY
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