I SHUDDER TO THINK (on sale now at Ebooks by Nostrand get your copy at your nearest e retailer [sic]) img.

I AM A WAGAR MAN. MY WAGERING HAS GOTTEN ME PLENTY OF REDDITS WRITTEN ABOUT ME AND MY NEFARIOUS SCHEMES BUT HERE ARE THE COLD SCREWED FACTS. THE TROUBLE OF YESTERYEAR STARTED OF COURSE FROM THAT OLIMPICK GOLD METALIST THAT I WAGERED FOR AND BROUGHT INTO THIS HOME AND COUNTRY BUTI MUST ADMIT THAT I HAVE BECOME A MAN OF SOME RENOUN IN THIS COMMUNITY DUE TO THE ANTI-AMERICAN SENTIMENTS THAT FOLLWS THE LITERAL PURCHASE OF A HUMAN BEING AND SUBSEQUENT TRAFFIC OVER A NUMBER OF ILLEGAL NORTH MIGRATING SHINA MEN (THESE ARE LIKE CHINESE MAN BUT DIFFERENT - THEY WEAR STAR ARMOR FOR ONE FOR ALSO BOAST OF THEIR TERRIFYING LONG BOAT ‘SLAVE EATER’ WHICH IS WRITTEN IN MAJESTIC GREEN AND AZURE RHINESTONES EACH LETTER THE SIZE OF A MONSTER TRUCK WHEEL BUT THE GIANT SLAVESHIP STAFF ARE VERY IMPOLITE, REFUSING YOU TELL YOU THE TIME OF DAY AND WHIPS THAT CRACK THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT LIKE A MEWING BABE AND THE GUY SLEEPING NEXT TO YOU WHO KEEPS TRYING TO TAKE YOUR THINGS WHILE YOU SLEEP!) I SAID SLAVE EATER MORE LIKE SLAVE MAKE YOU SLEEPER#slavery AS WELL AS INCIDENTS AS OCCURRED AS A RESULT AND DUE TO STATE AND FEDERAL STANDARDS AND PRACTICES BEEN ORDERED TO POST ALL CURRENT SAFETY HAZZAZZARDS AND SUBSEQUENT CONCERNS ON THE WEB. THIS HOME IS BUT A COLD HARD SEA THAT TUMULTS AND SWAYS AND EVEN I CANNOT PREDICT OR NAY COMPREHEND EACH DAY’S EVENTS THIS OLYMPIC STAR IS FAT AS A TRACTOR TRAILOR SHE WORN HER MEDALS BY LIFTING WEIGHTS THAT ARE OF EQUAL OR LARGER VALUE THAN HER OWN WEIGHT WHICH IS TO SAY SEVERAL HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS. I CALL THIS GIRL TREEHORN. THE NAMELESS CALL HER THE MOUNTAIN THAT BREATHES.


I’m going to move aside and let grounds keeper Del Ray talk about Treehorn because I raged pretty hard while writing that and need to clean up so here’s Del Ray folks! ok how do I ok there ain’t a nary day go by that ol’ treehorn ain’t be getting’ where’ she ain’t sposed to be getting’. I say in full sight of the lord our jesuses pretty golden winglitts that that thar treehorn woman is by far the fattest, meanest, most sorriest piece of saddal trash you ever did meat. Why, just the other day me and mitch hoy, which was of course before old Nostrand came out in a fury saying that mitch hoy was to be excommunicated and if anyone didn’t know what he meant, they could take it up with DJ AMs ghost.

And me and ol mitchy boy sittin’ there just checking her out for she darn near but didn’t move for darn near a week, and hadn’t eaten or rolled over to sleep. And I needed her to move for she was a blockin’ the roots to my lawn equipment! And when we came over to have a spell together she finally started to speak to me. She explained to me that she didn’t really need food because she already ate enough for one lifetime her momma said to her once. And she said that she was not structurally sound enough to physically move her legs, even a muscle after playing in the parking lot with papa. We respected the fat mountain who would not eat and told us stories of life on the road rollin’ from state to state and lifting darn near anything that got in her way including a buic lasaber.

That’s when the big lady sorta shuddered a little bit
 and something came out of her that looked a bit like this

That’s when that fat ol mountain told us her name was Kathy.

Welp she and Mitch were to be wed she said, no ifs ands or butts, and if he didn’t like it, well he can take it up with DJ AM’s ghost (that’s what everyone said in those days to get what they wanted)

And that’s bout all I needs ta say about that woman but here Nostrand has a few more things to say about her see ya folks!



I’m also pretty sure she has TRUCKDNA because once I saw her outside wrestling with a truck in the parking lot for three whole hours and she kept rooting around the inside and then she would come back out and start flipping the entire truck over and over and when she finally finished she came back inside and said THAT’S MAH POPS! Her clothing is little more than bits and scraps of mcdonalds and burger king hamburger wraps. And between her flops of skin are strange skeletal remains that tumble to the floor and when I asked her what that’s about she said WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK MAN.

She has lost her mind somewhat and constantly whines about the children she left at the daycare 25 years ago. For like the hundredth time!! Who cares!!!

So anyway that’s the first danger that I’m posting you all better be happy it took me well over 10 minutes to write this and have already made me miss my honey bb evening specials.


All staff and residents please be aware of the following anomalies posted as dictated by THE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC WELFARE - herein lies all concerns:

§ 2600.82. Poisons. All poisons are color code based on danger. I think red or blue means it is the most lethal and then we put green stickers on things OK to eat like lemonade and treats. Yes red is the most leathal. I had to check my Poison Graph there it was underneath my kibble stash. Addendum 1 It is hard to read the poison graph because I wrote a lot of mean things on it about Obama.

§ 2600.103. Food service. Believe it from me it is not OK to store blue koolaid in the leftover anti-freeze container and keep it in the fridge! That’s a fact, the police will come!

§ 2600.221. Activities program. We watch honey boo boo on TV all day everyday just to make sure we don’t miss any of honey boo boo’s adventures and tricks. The reason I mention this is due to the group of men who call themselves the Honeybros on the third floor. Those guys can get pretty rowdy!!

§ 2600.182. Medication administration. A lot of people are asking about “the dream chair.” Please note that the dream chair is simply a mechanical device with restraining shackles.

§ 2600.85. Sanitation. All residents must be readably available to combat the root creature that has taken to living in its dark nest behind the shed in the backyard. The root creature is surprisingly agile and capable of bending to avoid your attacks.

§ 2600.109. Pets. Be warned I have a cat on the premisis called F.M which stands for FIBERMYALGIA. This is a word a lot of people with a TON OF CASH throw around on the internet and its pretty much a name that a darn good cat like F.M. deserves. This is different than A.M. cat by a long shot, who is DJAMS old cat. I found that cat rootin around my subpoenas and ledgers. Dear police I will not be responding to your suppinis because the deceased’s cat ripped them all up in a tremendous catrage when I yelled at it for rootin around in my ledgers.

§ 2600.121. Unobstructed egress. I don’t think this really needs to even be mentioned but just in case :-) I have built the world’s first homeless ant farm and a quarter of the home has been devoted to the several metric tons of sand poured and tunnels built in them for the dirty men to root around in looking for loose change and cans of CHEF BOY R D RAVING RAVIIOLIE which is OK to say because of the entire protect being funded by chef boyrd inc Thanks For the HoboAnts! (Hobants) THIS DOES BLOCK EMERGENCY EXITS A THROUGH D ON THE THIRD AND FOURTH LEVELS
Boy oh boy you are a delicious meal after a hard day work thanks for bringing are families together over a steaming bowl of spaghetti juice getting paid to say this.

The only resident I would warn anyway about is Frisbee, King of the Nameless, who at this point I can only fathom is more machine than man because of the things I hear coming from the basement like IM A MACHINE IM A MACHIIIIINNNE followed by loud bangs and screaming and we had to remove the door to the basement because it started growing human eyes. I destroyed the eye door myself! Don’t go making a huge fuss!! Addendum 2 Am beginning to pick up strange sounds coming from the Frisbee lair will be keeping an eye on this!

Get a Life if you think I am dealing with any of these problems because that root creature is something from my darkest dreams, and the dream chair isn’t going anywhere, and I’m  sick and tired of these homeless men puking into their ravolia cans so I’ll take care of that one goodbye America!